Fender Bender

2010

2010-01-09T08:33:00.002-05:00

This is year is going well so far and not for the reasons one would normally think.. I am in still in near financial disaster, my car broke down, I have had to have a handful of tests(with no results yet), but its just better because I'm handling it.

PMS is coming up, so I realize this will all feel much worse in the following days, but at least I can identify why. I just feel more hopeul this year and ready to face things more, things I have avoided facing for too long. Nothing so mysterious really, just daily junk.

I'm thankful for the people that choice to show up in my life everyday and for the support they give me. I'm lucky to have them. I'm accepting of those that don't because we all have our own road to walk down and we need diferent things at different times. Its all okay.

Last night we had a disaster of a sleepover and I was trembling by the time the child actually left at 11pm. I was certain I was going to need medical attention, it was so stressful for so many hours and we were feeling bad about ending it, but then the point came, and not nearly soon enough, to say "enough is enough!". There are things I need to say to those parents and I should of said them before, but my anger was never in the right place. It was either too high or too calmed down to really let them know what I was thinking and what I will tolerate from this day forward. I plan on calling today with the right amount of assertiveness to not appear to be a bully towards their child, but to not excuse they hideous behavior anymore.

I think I will get on that right now.

All Cleaned Up, Almost.

2009-12-26T15:23:00.002-05:00

Never have I wanted to take the Christmas stuff down more. I usually wait until after New Year's Day and I probably will again this year, but I want order back for some reason. Since I felt it would be wrong to deChristmatize so early, I worked on Brooke's room instead. I went through everything and got rid of anything she gave me permission to get rid of and I organized all her things, old and new. It may only last a day or two, but it made me feel better. I even ran to the store for socks because all of the unmatching ones disturbed me so greatly that I had to throw them awaY and replace them with new matching socks. I bought 16 pair. I also bought new undies for her too, just because they were cute.

I want to start on my room now because it is the catch all. Everything that doesn't have a home and several random tv's are just sitting in there. Yes, tv's. Every time someone gets a new flatscreen, they put the old dinosaur tv in my room. There are four in there now and one big one in the laundry room. Counting the other tv's in the house, we now have eleven. Its ridiculous and embarrassing. Tv's must go. Plus, I need that closet space back.

I'm tired of walking by the kitchen and eating cookies too. Cookies must go.

Brooke is so entertained with her movies, it has been such a nice, quiet day. I am trying to get all her laundry finished and then I will start on everyone else's. Its all excitement around here, all the time.

I'm thinking about cleaning myself up too and going out for a few hours. Then, I think about it and don't really wanna go. I think I will go just for that reason. This year I want to clean up a lot of things in my life. Somewhere along the line I have gotten so routine and overwhelmed at the same time. The overwhelm comes partly from the nothing new of it all. I need to try and do things I don't do anymore. Going out and seeing some old friends would probably be a good start.

Maybe I will go.....

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T22:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I got an hour of sleep last night. Brooke woke up at 4am, but I managed to get her to lay down with me til almost 7am, that is when we heard Cassie banging on the door. I never went back to sleep, but after all the food was prepared and we ate at 230, I, foggy and dazed, found my way to the bedroom, got under the covers and the next thing I remember I was waking up at about 530 in the evening. There was company and lots of noise. I snuck down the hall, brushed my teeth, and came out all cranky. The company did not stay long. I felt bad.

Even in all the insanity of my holiday, it was still nice. My parents came over for a bit and the food turned out delicious. It was nice just being home. We played lots of game and set up lots of toys and Brooke seemed thrilled with everything. Ryan, Brooke and I watched a movie in his room and Travis was almost pleasant. Cassie, well, she was Cassie and left again.

I'm already planning tomorrow and how I have to clear this place. The after Christmas mess can be so overwhelming, but maybe its meant to be that way because it makes me feel all "I gotta get this place organized!!" and that is definitely a good thing. I hope I still feel that way when I wake up!

I had a few glasses of wine and feel nice and relaxed, and ready for a good sleep. Nite....

I Wish...

2009-12-25T01:15:00.002-05:00

Its 1:16 am on Christmas Eve and Cassie is not here. I wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Maybe its not the best place to vent, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I have done everything I can think of to make things better for her and she doesn't want that help or maybe can't even take it. I wish I knew that......which it is.

I have been told she has a handful of disorders and that she has little control over what she does to us and what she puts us through, and while part of me believes that, another part of me isn't entirely convinced. I may never know and may forever be tortured by the question.

I wish I knew how to reach her and tell her how much she has broken my heart, so often in fact and so deeply, that I am surprised it still works at all. Its devastating to watch someone you love and wanted more than anything be this person that is so cold to you. It really gives a whole new perspective on the "be careful what you wish for" thing.

I wanted a daughter and I always thought I would be so good with her. I didn't expect perfection and being a girl is hard. I could relate and understand and be such a compassionate listener when someone hurt her feelings or she had her first crush or that same person rejected her or made her feel insignificant or hurt. She would be my shopping buddy and I would love her unconditionally, supporting her through all of life's crazy twists and turns. She would someday have my grandchild and ask for my help with issues, unlike a son having your grandchildren and you have to walk on eggshells around the daughter-in-law because there is some weird territorial thing for "her" kids most of the time. I know this because I watched it in others and got to experience it firsthand and I could even help her with the mother-in-law feelings.

Never, in your wildest castrophizing, could you imagine what the truth would be and how it would change your life and you forever. Sometimes I feel like I was put into this world and while it had its challenges, there was good too and that always made you feel hopeful. Then you get dragged into a warzone and see such horrific things that you are changed and no amount of good can ever take back what you've seen. You know the depths of sadness and it is something that you carry with you and nothing ever looks or feels quite the same postwar. It can't, you have just seen too much.

Of all the things she has done, I still sit here being shocked again. You think it would get easier with each hurtful act, but it doesn't work that way. It is quite the opposite. The hurt just multiplies and for every little thing you think is the absolute worst, you are shown you haven't even scratched the surface. You live in panic for the next bomb to drop, never quite sure when or where that will be.

This one is on Christmas, a holiday I always approached with a child-like excitement. I love it, even in all the stress and complaining I do, and to me it represents so much of the good. Of all the times to walk out and be MIA, it is on Christmas. There are no words. It might not seem so bad compared to other battles we have faced with her, but something about how she knows how I am with it...its like a whole new declaration of war, an unexpected attack.

I wish I knew how to fix her, how to get inside her head and find out what the right thing to say would be, the right thing to do, or anything that would be right at all. I wish I knew how to fix me now or how to simply carry on in any way that vaguely resembles feeling normal again.

I wish I knew where she was right now. I wish she knew how much.

From Kelly To Justin

2009-12-13T21:30:00.002-05:00

The title means nothing, it just popped in my head for absolutely no reason. Well, maybe there was a reason, but it is something deep and weird and maybe I heard a song or something, who knows???

Anyhow.....

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. This so much describes my life lately. So many things that go wrong, but so many opportunities to learn something useful. Even on a day when everything falls apart, I can laugh, smile when I think about someone, feel good about something else, and just cope and try to rise above it all. Sometimes you have to just to survive it all and I thank God that, on most days, I have that ability. A true gift.

I decided to make some changes in my life or at least work really hard in trying to accomplish that and then I got some troubling news that could possibiliy be a really bad thing. The important word there is "possibily" because it could maybe be nothing at all. I tend to struggle with those "what ifs" a lot, but recently I'm just tired of taking every situation and driving it to the worst possible outcome. Some gifts are just as much a curse. Take creativity, it can write a wonderful story or it can take your mind to places that no mind should have to go.

I started reading a book about self-confidence because I would definitely like to get me some of that. My life was the recipe, word for word, about how it was unintentionally stirred just right to leave in a place to have very little of it at all. I can act like I have it and I can really stand by what I believe in so maybe mine is more self-defeating and personal. It isn't always visible to the naked eye, but it is more a constant nagging feeling of inadequacy that lives in every cell of my body screaming, "You could have done better or more. Not good enough!!"

I watched for it in other people. If they didn't answer a call, looked away in distraction while I was speaking, didn't seem that excited to see me, or anything that indicated I was not important enough...I used that to add to those feelings. I took it all on myself. I had proof, right?

All of a sudden something took its place. Tiredness, pure exhaustion even, was all I felt. I was just so tired of me. Somewhere in that you realize that it isn't anyone else, its you and how you feel about yourself. There is something very good about that because its all in your hands to try and change. Its not too late because you finally have an answer and some hope.

In that moment I realized that I had little control over people in my life. Some leave it before you are ready and some stay too long, but it was okay. Everything was okay. I could handle it. I saw the possibilities of new connections and even returning to some left in the past. It made me really understand the person I want to be with no apoligies to anyone else that wanted something different because they are already gone anyway.

I haven't gotten to the "how to fix it" part of the book yet, as the "why you are like this" seems to go on and on, but I already feel half way there.

I Might Have it all Figured Out, But is the Pill too BIG to Swallow?

2009-12-07T18:29:00.009-05:00

Another Monday. It is so busy, which is good because it does go faster, I suppose. (Look at me trying to pretend to see the good side).

I always thought of myself as a fairly positive person, but the truth is...I'm not. I am always worrying about what will happen next and it never seems to fail that it is something more chaotic than before. Then you start to wonder if you set it up that way, like those books that tell you that you set it up that way.

I hate those books.

I often wonder if the world is random or totally by design to take us where we were meant to be and it is already written or known. (Imagine feather flying through the air in Forest Gump). He thought it was a little of both. I realize that bad times make you apprecitae the good times, but what if the bad times keep on coming. Will you have more good to look forward to or are some people just here to make others think, "Wow, I have it good!".

I want things to be great and to work out and flow in a positive direction, but somewhere between wanting and doing, I get all feather in a tornado. I make a plan, feel good about it and then life happens and screws up plan. Then add in hormonal fluctuations and I find in three weeks time, I am all over the map on my way to nowhere different. Even worse, I'm tired of stressing over it, over everything. I'm just plain tired.

I think too much and I want to be one of those people that don't. Is that even possible? When your mind is so conditioned to think, rethink and overthink everything and when you try and make the best of things only to find that making the best of them still leaves you in a place where it mostly sucks, how do you get out of the storm? What is left of you to even keep trying?

Its no wonder then that I feel like I am living in a dream where nothing quite looks or feels right. They say it is the mind's way of protecting itself, but if this is protection, I would rather be unprotected. In order to heal, you have to be able to feel what is real, no matter how ugly and scary that might be.

I was thinking about Friday when I called the doctor to say my back was hurting and I was having all sorts of digestive issues. They said they closed in 45 minutes and could I make it in to be checked. I thought about it and said, "I'll just wait til Monday and see if anything improves." Then Monday is here, nothing improved and I don't call cause they will want me to go there and then they will probably give me something that I can't take anyway. Does this scenerio describe my life? I mean, what did I want in calling if I wasn't going to show up? Did I just want to report the state of things and do nothing about them? Is that what I do everyday in endless vents of this is wrong and that is off? Do I just hope that everything will eventually work itself out and never take any real action to assure it? HELL YES!! (Insert Dr. Phil asking "How is that workin' out for ya??) Not good, Doc, not good at all.

I get it so much and yet I don't really get it at all. I am commited to writing all my thoughts and all my doubts and all my questionings until I do get it though. Hopefully it will help sort out my mind and find the answers I need to show up, take my pill, deal with the side effects and let it work for once.

Brooke

2009-12-06T09:56:00.003-05:00

Since I haven't written about Brooke since she was 4-5 years old, I must say a bit about her now. She is hilarious. Everything she says and everything she does is funny to me. I always thought Ryan had a great sense of humor when he was little. He was one of those people born wise beyond his years and he had a very advanced understanding of all things, including humor. Sometimes we would be driving down the street, full car, and see something and he and I would just laugh. No one else really "got it", but the same things struck us and sent us into giggling fits. Brooke's humor is not exactly like that. It is more goofy and more of her own making. She just says things that make you laugh, not just because they are really funny, but also because they are really original and you are shocked that she even came up with that.

Cassie has this boyfriend, named Josh, that is really sensitive and dramatic. Being that Cassie is the same, it is truly a match made in hell because two overly sensitive people make for a constant stream of misunderstandings and fighting and crying and "look at it from MY standpoint" WHAH!! They were in one of their deep discussions when Brooke walks up to the phone and says, "What do you call Josh and one idiot?". Cassie pauses and looks at her as she replies, "Two idiots". I'm sure she heard it on a show, but her timimg, her faces, her delivery is so unexpected and so funny that even Cassie is fighting to hold back a laugh as me and Brooke giggle like crazy. He yells that he is not going to sit there while her whole family laughs at him and hangs up on her. Cassie starts to yell at us and then can't help but laugh and says, "Okay, that WAS funny".

Its stuff like this constantly with Brooke. She told Cassie she would be pretty if she didn't have all those brown spotted freckles on her face, so I asked if she thought I looked okay. She turned her mouth sideways, placed her finger on the side of it and really looked at me with a "thinking really hard" look and said...."ummmmmmmmmm, NO." But then she busts out laughing. Its contagious, her giggling and being a constant cut up. She would have faired so well in my family growing up because you really needed to be able to take a joke when someone was always hitting you with smack.

Most of her comedy acts are in the "you just had to be there" catagory, but she always comes up with something different to crack you up. I use so many of the things she says to respond to others because it just makes me laugh. Like her asking a question that makes you ask, "Why?" and her answer is "Because you're not shmart". Whenever someone asks me why to anything....I always want to say, and sometime do, "Because you're not shmart."

She still has her six year old moments of whining and complaining and some days it is a job dealing with her, but I can't imagine life without her. She has also started to not want me at her bus stop. She says all the kids look when we pull up and she is not a baby anymore. It seems to happen earlier and earlier, but six?? She does say, "Give me a kiss and drive away, pleaseeee". So, we are not at the "OMG, do NOT kiss me in public" stage yet. So, at least I still have that.

She asked how babies get into a mommy's belly and said, "I know like some seed from the daddy gets in there, but how does it get there???" I said, "Well, it complicated and we will discuss it more when you get older". She gets it is a sensitive subject now, but still can make something funny out of it. She will come in and randomly say, "Mom, can I have a drink?" and then put her hands on her hips, gets that "Whatchu talkin bout , Willis" look on her face and says, "How DOES that seed get there???". And then she laughs, not waiting for an answer, just skipping down the hall with her juice box.

Last night she said we should say ten things every night that we are thankful for and then proceeded to say her list that included her family, friends, warm house, snow to play in and cookies. Then she had me list mine. I could learn a lot from a six year old.....

Lost-42 Year Old. Answers to Anything. Reward.

2009-12-05T17:22:00.002-05:00

So, I have been gone and kinda in more ways than one. I forget myself. For so many years now, it has been constant stress and it is not the kind of stress that is in your control. It is life changing is all the bad ways. I'm stressed and anxious, causing me to feel sick in many non-specific ways. I get scared for me sometimes and wonder if I would even recognize "calm" if he showed up on my doorstep. I'm depressed and stuck. I'm forever hopeful and always working on ways to change the situation but those things beyond your control are hard to work around.

I hate the way my mood still controls the house. If I am a mess from the happenings in it, it just snowballs, because the mom is somehow the gauge for the whole feeling of the house. It is a lot of pressure and a job I don't take lightly. It is just a job I haven't been too successful at lately.

I know what has to be done and day after day it isn't happening. I need time to help myself, get out, do something different, have a few breaks here and there, have a few things fall in my favor, have a babysitter once a week to not have to go from work to more work and be out there enjoying something.....anything..just so I can remember what something that isn't a chore feels like.

I hate that I look at raising kids for 12 more years, at least, a job that seems overwhelming after already having 23 years in. I hate that I had such bad experiences that make me feel that way at all. I love Brooke, she is the funniest kid and I want her to have the same fun we all used to have when we were raising five at a time. Cassie continues to be a challenge and I hate that Brooke has to see and be a part of that too. I hate that Cassie's life is hard, because regardless what they put you through, you still wish happiness for every one of your children. I hate the isolation that troubles in your life cause. I want something better for everyone.

This starts out very depressing, but I think writing again will help. Even in chaos, good things still happen and funny moments make you forget all the issues for awhile and good friends make the road a little easier just by listening to you vent, or taking your mind off bad things entirely.

This is the venting part and hopefully the reward at the end will be finding myself within this web of stress and hard times, and learning to recognize calm again. I miss him too.

Changes

2009-04-03T19:06:00.003-04:00

I had the flu most of the week and it is still causing havoc with my sinuses, which I am certain will require an antibiotic to get better, but I didn't call the doctor because I am me.

Speaking of me, I am so sick of ME!! I was watching Dr Phil when I was off sick and it is just never a good idea for me to watch Dr Phil. I am like a mental health hyperchondriac and I can always relate to whoever may be on that day, even if their issues are totally unrelated to any I have ever had...I can always find some common bond and something to add to my list of "that must be why I am like this". I'm tired of putting together pieces of a puzzle that is just a blank picture of nothing. Not that I am calling myself "nothing", it is just that you can put that all together and end up no further along then where you started anyway. Useless.

I scream I want less stress and that I want all these things to go a certain way and yet I do everything exactly the same. I guess we all do that too much. The answer is in action. Different action and resisting the pull and habit of being the same day after day. There are always those stresses around us that we can't change and so with those I suppose the only change possible is how we handle it and that has to be different too. It is so much easier to just fall in to what you have always done before, change is hard.

I thought I would start one day last week, this change the way I do the same shit, and then I found I had some aches, then the flu took hold and now the sinus ordeal. I can always find so many reasons to postpone. One big proof positive bit of evidence is how all my attempts to change start with one thing, cleaning the house. I always think, "Hmmmm, I'll get this place all organized and simple and then I'll start on myself. ". The what happens next is always the downfall of the plan. First, I'm much too tired for change after cleaning this place and second, it doesn't stay that way for more than five minutes, then I am much too pissed off for change.

I always think there is some magic thought that will make it all so clear, what I am to do and how I am to react, but the magic never happens. I did have a thought that other day that I thought might be it. It was just live and stop trying to figure it all out. Just be. But, hell, that could never work, right?? Too easy?? Too damn hard??

Anyway, I'm going to try and go outside of my safety zone a bit. Okay, so it may just start with a pepsid, but why suffer heartburn cause you hate pills?? Ya know? Plus, I'm gonna do it in other ways too. I'm going to just take a chance once in awhile even if I'm a little scared. Writing about it here qualifies too.

Its scary to put yourself out there.

Brookie, With Pictures Totally Unrelated to Story.

2009-03-29T07:55:00.009-04:00

Brooke has been sick since Monday. My plan to start writing here again was sidetracked by fevers, doctor visits and Brooke screaming , at least 100 times a day, "Oh!! This nose, I can't take it anymore!". When we went to see the doctor on Saturday, she randomly said to him, "If I saw a wishing star, I would wish to breath out of my nose like other people can.". He said it broke his heart. Mine was a little shattered too.

She needs her adenoids out. We decided to wait til June when school was out and then Bob decided that maybe wait a few years, it will traumatize her and then ...BAM...this horrid week and I think we all realize she needs them out ASAP. Even on non-cold/allergy days she struggles to ever breath out of her nose, add a sickness and it just gets clogged. The ears can't drain, the sinuses can't drain and everything just gets infected.

When her ears get all clogged up , she can't hear either and combine that with a fever and it gets pretty scary. I'm always checking to see if she is disoriented from fever or just partially deaf from the build up of gunk that can't escape. It requires getting real close to her face and yelling to make sure she can respond properly to what I am asking. Mega-antibiotic was started Saturday, so hopefully things will start improving. After a few doses, her fever spiked back up to 102.7, but maybe today it will really start working to clear this all up.

Her birthday is in two weeks and she is going to be six already!! It seems not so long ago that she was born and yet at the same time, its hard to remember life without her.

There is Only One Way to Go, I Guess

2009-03-15T19:57:00.003-04:00

Well. Maybe two. Wynonna said when you hit rock bottom, there's only two ways to go, straight up or sideways. I always believe her. I always seem to go sideways too.

I am in such a strange place. Hard to even define. I do tell the people closest to me, cause I am pretty sure we have equal evidence against one another for being commited. I try and play it safe with the deepest information. I'm wise like that.

One thing I never really talked about much here is definitely the biggest issue in my life. It starts with an Anx and ends with an Iety. And. It really sucks. It is not just something that you can re-route, it is something that works really hard to become the center of your universe. If you listen to it, it grows. If you ignore it, it fights back violently as to say "LOOKIE HERE, I'M COMING BACK BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN EVER......MUHAHAHA!!!". The worst part is that just when you think you have it all figured out, stress happens. Lots and lots of stress and BOOM, square one.

My main escape is work. It is predictable for the most part, no one sneaks out or anything like at home. There are a few personalities I could live without and a few people that make mountains out of molehills while I search furiously for ways to make molehills out of mountains in my own life. Sometimes I would pay to have the problems they think they have, cause life would be a breeze. Not to minimize anyone else's struggles, but it just seems some people have to have the drama and so a small issue can become what makes them nuts for weeks and weeks on end.

Home is my stress place, no doubt. Cassie, oh my Lord, Cassie. I can't even talk in detail about her here because it could tramautize and torment others. Its just so bad. Hopefully, in writing about it without writing about it, I can gain an outside look in and maybe figure out what to do, because I am great with other people's problems, just really sucky with my own.

Bob, ugh. He killed me on a Wednesday and thats all I have to say about that. Seriously though, he can take a stressful situation that you think could NOT possibly get any worse and make it SO MUCH WORSE! When things get bad around here, he tells me, the one doing everything, how I just sit there and do nothing about it. There are not words. He also follows me like a puppy and anywhere I go, he finds a reason to search and destroy. It is exhausting. Occasionally he is useful, like when I have had enough and yell "BOB!!!!!!!!!" and he makes offending people get away from me now.

I'm not trying to say that I am not difficult, cause I am. I crawl in my corner and surrender a lot. I deal with and deal with and deal with and when I can't deal with one more second, I detach and need space and I can't get space, so I detach more. Then I basically hate, resent and lash out. When I have had enough, I have to make myself laugh at something, anything. So, out of nowhere, I change. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I 'm a sinner, I'm a saint..I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing inbetween.

I can't seem, for how much I want it, to be where I want and need to be and goddamn, it is so frustrating. Bad times are like a prison and everyone and everything else is holding the key. I want my fucking key back. Which reminds me of the anger. The anger at trying to be a nice person in this world that deserves nice back and gets not nice back. And all that being said, I know somewhere that I am to blame and that only I can change things for myself, but I'm tired. That is the opportunity for depression to come in and it has and I have to be the one to make it go away.

I want simple. I crave simple. I was given this deeply analytical brain and it doesn't serve you well to have to think so much. I envy people that take life for what it is and they just live life not searching for a reason or some bigger meaning to it all. We live, we die and everything in the middle is just making the best of it and accepting the uncertainty and ups and downs of this life. I want to know why, who , when , where and maybe all that crap doesn't really matter. I want security and certainty where none exists and I am ruining my middle every step of the way waiting for the answers where there aren't any.

I am 42 now. Its time.

WOWSIE, I FORGOT ABOUT THIS PLACE!!

2009-03-09T21:09:00.002-04:00

It has been years. Well, not years, but, like a year and a half or more. This used to be my place to go, while I worked at home, to unload a lot of whiny-ass bullshit. I miss that.

I have been working at "The Practice" for two years now. I love it, I hate it and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. My co-workers....same, but they have become so much a part of my weekday family. Only one is on my shitlist today and some days..none at all. That ain't so bad.

Ryan will be graduating from college this year. I can't believe it. I'm so proud of him. He doesn't really need me so much anymore and that hurts as much as it makes me feel good to know he is independent. He sent me a text today that said, "I'm sick. I need you to take care of me.". Tearing up again. Excuse me....................

Travis will also graduate from a 2 year program in December and is working in a coal mine part-time, and omg, I made a rhyme. He was in an accident Wednesday, but he is okay. (Did I make another rhyme?) He is doing great and, again, proud.

We will be leaving proud to mention Cassie. Same shit, different year. Still love her and want the best for her and I hope someday she wants the same.

Brooke. The Princess. She is adorable and funny and fabulous and she brightens every single day and I am so not worthy. She is going to be six and all grown up like, reading me bedtime stories.

So, back to me. I'm in midlife again. Well. I never left it, I just bunked up and stayed and stayed...now I can't figure out how to get the hell outta here. I'm going through this really reflective time and I see parts of my life so differently and its so long and complex and I reject complex, as I nurture it minute by minute. Everything feels like an ending with no real new beginning. The best times seem behind me and I long for days when I lived life instead of reflecting on it and analyzing it and feeling so damn far away from that life. Blah. I think they call it depression. FYI, it sucks.

So many things have happened and so many things have stayed exactly the same. Most of it I wish to reverse. Mostly, I miss me. I'm still me on the outside, but the inside is icky and sad. I plan to change it, I have been planning to change it for a long time and I think so much about changing it, but change, thats a hard one.

I figure I have some time left here and, you know, I look like I should feel better. I think life is harder than I thought while being so much easier than I make it. The things I am ready to let go of, hang on tighter and the things I let go, I question. Anyhow, I thought maybe I would start writing again and that it may help me figure it out. This might get deep. It may be the same whiny ass shit all over again and wouldn't that be horrid? I guess time will tell, but I am pretty sure it will start out sounding much worse and hopefully end being much better.

Holding Unsteady

2007-08-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

It has been awhile. I still do not have the pictures developed from the grad party. Too much happens....always.

I have avoided writing because when so much is going on, you become so philosophical and within yourself, what you say may become evidence for a commitment, and not the romantic kind.

I really like my job, though I am rarely there. The big move of combining offices that was to happen in July hasn't. Then it was to be August 1st. Nope. Now they are hoping the one guy trying to remodel the whole 5th floor with be done before Halloween. This leaves me with about 5-15 hours a week and I am actually off for 9 straight days, cause doctors like to play tennis and golf in the summer and they all picked the same two weeks.

I never thought I would want to be full-time, in the grind of it all, but now I do. I feel purposeful there and even appreciated. It isn't that I am not purposeful at home, but it rarely feels that way. It feels more like a chore...hundreds of 'em, even. The appreciation part-lacking greatly, almost like non-existent. Well, not almost.

Brooke is doing great with the adventures she goes on one or two days a week with Mamaw and Pappa. She went to Kennywood yesterday. I appreciate that they still have an inability to stay at home, because lately, all my days off are carting Cassie somewhere and, other than the fair, I haven't taken her too many places in the last few weeks.

Ryan has an apartment in Washington now. He signed the lease yesterday and I'm trying to pretend I am not completely traumatized. I can't wait to go set it all up and put my control freak ways to good use, but driving away to go back home, leaving my prince in his "new place"......ouch.

Travis is doing well in school and spending his grad money at a rapid speed. His latest expense is something I am trying to talk him out of, but it is Travis, and when his mind is set, it NEVER changes. I have my steps with him perfected....discuss, try to sway, grieve silently, accept.

Cassie is still Cassie, always into one thing or another..constant drama. Her room is horrifying and, though my teenage bedroom could not compare, I think it falls into that "I hope you grow up and have a kid that acts just like you" curse that your mom throws on you. My mom must be extra good with curses because every small issue I ever gave her, I am getting back tenfold. If I am as skilled on the curse, Cassie should never have a daughter. NEVER.

:( :o)

2007-06-28T10:16:00.000-04:00

Well, I got through the graduation party and will have pictures to follow soon. I am still working off an old computer and scanning is a bit of a challenge.

It turned out just fine, even thought the day started with a flat tire, car switch and then running out of gas in town....typical day for me, really. After cooking non-stop for four days, I went on strike in the kitchen. Leftovers, Sunday and Monday, order out Tuesday and a lame attempt of cooking for Wednesday....angel hair pasta that cooks in 6 minutes and a jar of Prego.

Cassie has been excruciatingly difficult the last few days and I totally blame her for me forgetting to put the afternoon blood draws in the pick-up box before leaving work..cause, damn, she is stressing me out. It is getting so bad, I fear I will leave for work without everything I need, like pants or something...my brain is on overload.

Naturally, when things get tough, Bob makes 'em tougher and the nicest thing I have said to him all week was "I hope you will be happy with your next wife". I think that was extremely thoughtful of me. I'm just not sure he caught that after, "go straight to hell, asshole"...but I meant it, sincerely.

My parents took Brooke and Cassie for the day. I never thought I would say or type those words ever. They went to Pittsburgh and I am alone in my house. ALL ALONE. IN MY HOUSE. TEEEEE HEE HEE HEE!!!

I am going to shampoo my carpets and then watch them dry without anyone walking on them and catch up on laundry. I do live a life of excitement!

Time to get busy.......that is a lot of fun to pack into one day

Reunion

2007-06-13T08:44:00.000-04:00

I used to have this recurring dream about being somewhere, like a concert or a Wal-mart and it turns into my class reunion, and I have no idea it will turn into my class reunion so I am totally not dressed right and I generally just look like shit and it is all stressful and junk.

I had it again last night. I was in some sort of very large, public, multi-toilet bathroom attempting to pee and when I walked to the sink....WAH LAH, my class reunion! B, my friend was standing there in some "walk like an Egyptian" dress and her hair was glittery silver and she had on sandals that strung around her ankles several times. I start seeing all these random people from high school, but I cannot remember there names, for real. Then I glance in the mirror and there I stand with no make-up, messy uncombed hair and some weird, nerdy outfit on. It was a long jean shirt, past my knees, and a blue t-shirt. Over this I have on a jean jacket thingy that is almost as long as my shirt.

I look and my boobs are enormous, but I look really chubby...but my boobs were enormous!! Did I already mention that? Anyway, I decide to walk out of this bathroom, to escape this hell, to go buy something to wear, go back home, clean up and return, but when I walk out I am in a giant reception hall and people from high school are coming up to talk to me! I am trapped. I think about what I look like and what I have on and what the hell am I gonna do?? So, I do the only thing I can, act like a hippie type, cause I want to look this way, make-up and actual hair-dos are so 1980s and you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman.... and then puff out my chest and work the boobs, cause that's all I really have to work with here.

I feel like I am really doing well, making the best of this thing and then I pass by a dance floor and there is a mirror and I see myself again and OMG!! I look even worse!! The horror wakes me up.

I am not sure why rough times always take me back to high school, but on the other hand it is so text book psychology.....not good enough, never prepared and my sis used to act like I had the biggest, ickiest boobs ever even though they were never so big and my mom used to buy Jane Russell 18 hour double d's for me that my b cups could not even fill out a quarter of the way, and when your sister endlessly talks about being a size 3, but you are a 9 and so fat...it all fits! I think it always made me feel like they saw me so differently than I really was, both physically and mentally and BLAH..I hate that dream!

I am not even sure why I am in a rough time. Well, I can think of a few reasons, but the money issue is mostly under control. Of course, the money issue creates a mighty good distraction from all the other things that could have been on my mind... and that are now on my mind since I cannot worry about being late on this payment or that one. Ugh, I get so tired of me.

In my daily, awake life I have dealt with the issues of the past, cause we all have them and they all suck..but move on already. Maybe I really haven't if they creep back to me at night, though. Maybe I think too much and wish I didn't.

Back to 2007, I need a new distraction. A good one. Maybe the days it will take me to think of a good one will work for now. You gotta start somewhere....

From the Sober, To the Drunk

2007-06-10T11:28:00.000-04:00

Working at the family bar on Saturdays have taught me so much about the process of getting drunk. There is nowhere so perfect to study the effects of alcohol and how each person uniquely changes with every passing drinking hour. I watch with amazement how predictably each person's behavior unfolds.

They shall remain nameless, of course, but we have the a women that starts friendly, gets friendlier, starts hugging people...I mean, real heartfelt, long, lingering hugs...then starts hanging on guys. She starts with average guys and then, as the clock is approaching 2a.m., her beer goggles tightly in place, she has been known to move on to the scary guy. She is often seen crying and holding herself up on someone and sometimes she starts making out with a scary guy.

We have drunken tourettes guy. With each passing substance, he gets louder and starts making less and less sense. He shouts things out randomly and, to those not used to his drunk/high state, he seems unstable and frightening. I know he is harmless and I enjoy watching others watch him, mostly in terror.

We have a jolly drunk. He says little, but smiles more and more as the night goes on. He is just happy to be there and is very low maintenance. He just wants a steady flow of buds coming his way, will chat when spoken to very cheerfully and then go back to just being happy to be there again. Bothers no one, a bartender's dream.

We have a young guy that everyone seems to dislike, but at the same time, everyone seems to have an urge to take care of when he stammers about. He becomes like an ornery child of three. He grabs people's money, he will take a fry off your plate, he walks into the restroom and as the door opens with other pee'ers entering, he is still in there, looking confused. Someone usually has to fetch him or he would stay there for hours, uncertain of where he is and why.

We have the loners. People that show up, don't seem to know anyone, have a beer or two, laugh at the crowd as though they wish to be a part of it, lack the guts to really do anything about it and then move on.

We have the dancing drunks. The ones that come in determined to relive some moment of their past with songs from their day, dancing and shouting out to others as they sing loud and try to get everyone else involved. They dance for hours on end, usually with the aid of several jaegar bombs for fuel. Some dancers just dance for themselves and are in their own little world having the time of their life.

We have the neighborhood people, that need not drive home, so they work really hard at making it almost impossible to even walk. Often, you can find them face down on the bar, asleep. Once awakened, it is like they are in some game of pin the tail on the donkey, as if freshly spun and spun with a blindfold on, you point them towards the door and they crash into tables, walls and bar stools anyway. You want to drive them the block home, but fear you will never get them out of your car...so you just get 'em out the door and hope for the best.

We have the younger crowd trying to be cooler and dance more trendy than the older crowd, but lose cause they are in a bar ruled by the 40 year olds, making the young ones just uncool for even showing up.

We have the drunk spenders, the more they drink, the more they want to buy shots for ten of their new, closest best friends and they start tipping too much. Me likey them.

We have the good ol' boys from the hood that pretty much run the place and act like they are still the shit with their high fives and loud glory day stories. The same ones, over and over and over and who the hell cares? They usually come with their hens that sit and make ugly faces of "who is that slut" when a young, pretty girl walks in and they decide that her belly is sort of big, or that she is a stripper, a tramp, a skank, or some shit like that. I like to egg it on when they ask, all mean and scrunchy faced, "Who is THAT?" and I reply, "I don't know, isn't she pretty???" MUH HAHA!!!

We have the pains in the ass that want served immediately, no matter how many people are waiting, cause they are part of the good 'ol boys and feel entitled, but never leave a tip, so as loud as they shout my name and no matter how disgusted the tone becomes in their shouts, sometimes, well, the music was so loud, and I just didn't hear ya.

For all the flaws and annoyances, I still like just about every person that walks in and some people I am just happy to see because they are all of these things or none of them at all, but they always make the night an experience.

By 1am, I feel like I am the mom of 75 unruly kids and I just want them to go to bed already. At 2am we have the same ones that just don't get the word quit and hang around and and hang around until I play the song "Closing Time" and shout the lyrics, "Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time - you don't have to go home but you CAN'T STAY HERE!!!!!!" That usually does the trick, except for the ones that believe I am talking to the other idiots in the bar and not "them". News flash! I mean YOU and I am not your sweetie, baby, honey or even a remote possibility for you. Buh-bye.

As much fun as it has all been, I feel the time to pass the baton to another family member or trusted person is coming very soon. I miss being the shouting, dancing, hugging, glory days gal sometimes. Then I usually come back to my senses and think how nice it would be to curl up in a blankie with a warm cup of tea and watch a movie on Saturday night instead.

This May be Monitored....

2007-06-09T09:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, it was PMS..it strikes again, a week early. How I am expected to see the difference between insanity and PMS when it continues to appear so randomly?? But, more importantly, why is my uterus preparing itself so often?

Could it be my biological clock, about to run out, trying desperately to give me as many opportunities as possible? Why would it do that? It is like the Bil Cosby thing. Why do I have four kids? Because I do NOT want five!

My life followed its regular routine of "just when you think you got it all straightened out, new shit pops up". I pay off all my debt. The 25 calls a day, where I had to listen to that same old line of, "This call may be monitored for quality purposes and this is an attempt to collect a debt, any information provided will be used against you, thrown in your face and used to make you feel like a total loser..as if, you don't feel enough like one already". So, I use one day to actually listen to all this to track the debt, make settlements and list all the people I will pay off so that the calls will finally stop. One that showed up on my caller ID constantly was I.C. System. I hate I.C. System. I make out all the checks, I go to the post office, send then overnight and inform all the blood suckers that they are on the way.

First day, debt free, I do not hear the phone and its constant ringing starting at 8:02am. It feels good and I feel good about it all. Then at 9am, as I am doing some laundry, it rings. I smile confidently and think, "Wow, that must be for ME!! A friend or something!". I run up the steps and see the "I.C. System" on the caller ID. I smile to myself, yet again, happy to inform them that they are through with me, it is sent, leave me alone now and have a wonderful day. I answer, wait the 45 seconds it takes for someone to answer me back and it is a lovely gentleman named Nick. He starts with the regular "this call may be monitored for" but I stop him and say, "Nick,I have sent this payment.." He says, "The dentist bill for $547 that was just received in our collection office today??" "Ummm, no Nick, not that one!!" BASTARD!!!!!! F'in BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!

Ten minutes later, it rings again. This time a Florida call. It is a T-mobile balance from a year and a half ago for 178 bucks that I totally forgot about and never really heard anything about in over a year and now, today, this day that I believed I owed no one, this is THE DAY the dentist turns me over to collection and T-mobile remembers me???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And WHY????

Then, I remember why. Because it is ME ....duh.

I almost fear sending in the proper college paperwork, so that Ryan's bill will go through the insurance as it should have and then actually paying that 178 bucks, because then what? Some forgotten Fingerhut bill for an 80 dollar phone that I still owed 320 for seven years ago and decided not to pay them on the principle of the matter because they always sent my statement two days before it was due so they could charge me 30 bucks a month for a late fee?? That piece of shit phone, that is long gone now, will probably cost me 10,000 by now! The day I take care of these two issues, I just know they will catch up with me!! So, just when I think it is safe and the waters have calmed, I sit at night, alone, peeking out my window and fearing Fingerhut!

Then I start thinking "fingerhut", what the hell is a fingerhut?

Bitchyitis

2007-06-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

I win the bitch of all bitches award. I'm mean, I yell at people all the time, I have this fed up, stay out of my way attitude and instead of releasing some of my anger with these continual outbursts...it seems to only grow.

It is like the anger for everything that has ever happened to me in the past 40 years is surfacing right now. I can't even stop myself. At the graduation I had to literally stop myself from talking at all because every time I opened my mouth it spurted hate and complaints about everything. I could hardly stand myself!

It did not help that I had not eaten since early morning and Bob was sent on a food run at 4:30, which was one hour before we were to leave. He was going to Wendy's and I said I did not want a hamburger, maybe just one of those deli sandwiches. Since a ten minute run for food is a 45 minute ordeal for Bob, I left to buy a camera at 5 o'clock, knowing that calling him to pick one up would make us late and drive him past the hour mark on two errands. Upon arriving home, I was so hungry it was making me even more evil. I walk in and grab a Wendy's bag and it is EMPTY!!!! I said, "Where is my sandwich??".

"You said you did not want a burger......"

I cannot even describe the rage that filled my entire body as I realized he can only comprehend the first part of a sentence, but to top it off, my parents start calling asking where we are, they are standing in front of the high school and it is 5:15pm. We were to meet them there at 5:45pm to give them their tickets. Travis, in the meantime, has given Bob his tie because he can't tie it...turns out Bob forgets how to, as well.

My parents call back three minutes later, "You didn't leave yet?? People are going in!! We are not going to get a seat...". I grab a piece of cake, the only ready to eat food in the house at that moment and tell Bob to get the tie figured out so we can go. He tries three more times, I have inhaled the cake, the phone rings..."Trying to tie a tie??? Bring it down here, your dad will tie it at the high school, we have been waiting for fifteen minutes here and cannot get in without the tickets!!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Travis is now ordered to forget the tie and put on his cap and gown for a quick picture session. He starts to protest, but then looks directly into my eyes and sees the pure evil and quickly gets it on so I can take the pictures. We fly out the door, but then hear Brooke scream, "You didn't give me a hug and a kiss!!! WHAHHHHH!!". We run back for kisses and hugs, we run back to the car and then drive to the high school, me on a bitching rage from hell.."Travis can't just get on the shit so I can snap a picture, cake on an empty stomach sucks, I wish I could have had REAL food, it is too damn hot today, my parents drive me freakin' nuts...all early, always spazzin', how can you forget how to tie a tie, why am I surrounded by COMPLETE and TOTAL IDIOTS!!!!!!..hate, hate, hate!!!!!"

Once we get there, I moan and groan about the heat again and start a political discussion over something unimportant, but annoying to others. I see Dee Dee who speaks to me and I think I may have growled and I do remember rolling my eyes...it is all a blur now. I went to my seat, started talking about how we were screwed out of tickets...started a Muttley grumbling and then... when the music started... and the graduates starting filing in, I was all business with my proud momma smile and my camera.

That ended a split second after the closing music started.

Project Graduation-phase one complete. The memory tape and party still left, so many more bitching opportunities left.

The Graduate

2007-05-31T10:09:00.000-04:00

Tonight Travis graduates. Tonight I will be packed into a gym/stage to watch him walk across, in his very bright purple cap and gown. It makes me sad, how significant this walk can be because it is like walking out of a carefree life that you do not even realize is carefree, until you pass through it.

There should be some better transitional stage between being young and being grown up. You are expected to start planning your future, which you thought you were planning all along, to find yourself unprepared. College is somewhat that transition, but when you are free from the constraints of all day school, your lifestyle becomes pretty expensive. Grades matter even more and picking just one area of study holds all new constraints.

I wish I could be more excited, and maybe if I had a great level of success, I might be more excited right now. I play happy and isn't it great, but I often fear they may see right through that, as I put my experience onto them...a totally different individual. While knowing that is wrong, I do dream of better things for my kids, but I can't escape the fear of the hard times and wanting so much for them never to become as familiar as I have with them.

Just for tonight, I think I will put away the fears and feel the happy. The future never disappoints in reasons to worry, so I have plenty of time for that. I will make him his favorite dessert, carrot cake with cream cheese icing, (Yeah, he is different) and I will only see the hope and promise. I need a little sugar with my hope, it makes it so much easier to swallow.

I will celebrate new beginnings, for Travis, and for me. Maybe I will even get to the bottom of why good needs help to swallow and bad goes down so easy.

To my Prince Harry, I wish you all the hope, love and good times in the world with just enough hard times to make you appreciate the really great times that we fail to recognize when it all comes to easy.

Minus Me

2007-05-29T09:33:00.000-04:00

I did not make it to any family event this weekend and there was one every single day. Saturday was a grad party, Sunday, a birthday party and Monday, a picnic. I don't know why it is so mentally exhausting to think about going, but after it is all said and done, I am feeling a bit guilty.

Sometimes you just get a sense of what you need, what you can handle and what you need to do to maintain and it doesn't include certain situations. It is not the fault of others and it usually has everything to do with you. I just feel down about my situation and something about seeing everyone happy and financially well was too much to take this weekend. So childish, but so true. I guess that is where the guilt comes in. I don't begrudge them for having, I am just down on myself for not, maybe. It just makes me feel like a failure and I stayed away for completely selfish reasons.

At 40, I have so much growing up to do.

People will often tell me I do not do enough for myself, but I think maybe I do way too much for myself in all the wrong ways. I treat myself to nothing, rarely buy items or services and so I appear somehow deprived. I more than make up for it with my emotional neediness to have everything as I need it to be at all times.

Half the battle of any issue is recognizing it, so as bad as I come out here, I have at least started to acknowledge it. I'm tired of babying myself to prevent stress and anxiety, when all it has ever done is caused it.

Note to self: Knock that shit off.

Wookie!!

2007-05-28T10:38:00.000-04:00

I added video!! All by myself!! This is part of Travis's memory tape.

Been Awhile

2007-05-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in so long. Just too much stuff going on and not enough time to sit and vent. That is probably a good thing.

I started my new job two weeks ago. The hours are very low now until we combine the three offices in late July. This is not helping the money situation too much, in fact, it is maybe making it worse. Uniforms, new shoes, gas money, lunch money and all the expense of working is about even to what I am making with these short days. It is like I am working to pay for working....a bad thing.

Brooke seems to be having a great time. She has been to the mall a few times, Amish country, swimming and visited numerous parks since my mom took over with babysitting duties. My parents make me feel like such a loser sometimes. At 40, I find it hard to have enough energy to spend two hours with her at the park, they can fill a 6 hour babysitting day with travel, games, fun, ice cream, long walks, counting cows in the country, and on and on. She comes home with new shoes, a bathing suit, various toys and giant lolly pops. These are not the parents I grew up with at all!!

They did like to do a lot, I will give them that, but the buying stuff.....nope, didn't happen.

Ryan is home for the summer. I know this because my house is a disaster. His shit is everywhere and, when not working, you can always find him sleeping in a room you wish to be in, but his long body is taking up most of it. He has a flagging job for a construction company and I had reports today that he was dancing on the job. I am so proud, and I am not even kidding, I love goofy people, especially if I helped create them.

Travis is getting ready to graduate next week. OMG! It doesn't seem real, four of our six will be finished with high school now, while one has yet to even start school at all.

Change of subject, it made me feel panicky to type that.

Cassie is under house arrest...literally and, oh, the joy of it all. I keep telling myself someday we sit around a table laughing at her antics, and yet I am not sure I will get through her teenage years......but I try to remain hopeful.

Going back to work is starting to make me feel like my old self in some ways. Some good and some bad. On the good side, I get to be with grown ups and be away so that I appreciate being home with the kids a little more than I did when it was 24/7. I am back to making lists of things I need to get done and I like having some purpose other than cleaning and cooking duty. On the bad side, I find that when I get home, I am really tired and never seem to accomplish all the crap on my lists.

I work tomorrow and then have four, count 'em, four days off! Well, three if you count that I work Saturday night....well two if you count that working until 3am Saturday night screws over Sunday......so, I have two days off!! I can work with that, I guess.

I plan on working on my lists and completing all the stuff I have been too tired to get to after work. Or I might lay around like a bump on a log. I haven't decided yet.

The Blahs

2007-04-27T10:23:00.000-04:00

The last few days, (maybe weeks, possibly years) I have felt so down and so out of it. The real kind, not that mild blues thing. It feel more like depression, bad, tired of everything, including grooming myself, depression.
Every task feels like a mountain to climb, no matter how small and insignificant. I am currently blaming the extra level of stress(stress equals Cassie, for the most part), my diet and AT&T. I miss Ryan a lot too, but he will be home soon.
I am both looking forward to and dreading my new job. I look forward to it when I think about being around grown ups, getting out and having some purpose other than the house and kids. I dread it when I think about waking up every morning, racing out the door and missing Brooke like crazy.
Everyone says it will be good for both of us, and though it probably will, I still hate not being the one with her when it has been the only thing she has known. Mother's guilt is the worst of all. I predict she will adjust much faster than me.
I am going to send in the paperwork to turn the other house over to the mortgage company. I had hopes it would sell and be paid off with a little extra to straighten out the ten other messes it caused, but ain't gonna happen, I guess.
Tonight we are having R's birthday at the house and I think that will lift my mood, maybe give this flatness I feel a new shape and form.
I need to go clean this house and myself up, but I keep finding other things to NOT do.

To Those That ...

2007-04-25T10:06:00.000-04:00

To those that I called and obsessed that I may be pregnant because my boobs hurt a week early and belly was all "showing" like I was six months along. I have good news..........

I'm not.

Though I may be forever known as the girl that cried "pregnant" when the possibility is non-existant, I appreciate you listening to my never ending rants and acting like you understand that vasectomies can grow back and that, even if I was unsure about actually having sex, I did play quarters one night during this cycle and, ya know, it COULD have happened!!

To those that hear about my issues with the 14 year old drama queen and think they have a solution to the problem.........

Tried that. Didn't work.

She has so ruined my credibility as a good parent, I may take this opportunity to be a really bad one and sell her on E-bay, with free shipping.

To those that have not had a 4 year old in a number of years and think they remember what it was like.....

You don't. Your mind protects you from reliving such terrors that include constant chaos, and a trail of toys that line each room and extent outside the perimeter of your house. If you have not stepped on a hard plastic Dora in the last few weeks....good for you and kiss my ass.

To those that call to tell me my bills are late and you may take legal action soon......

You're barking up the wrong tree and I am tired of the threats. Two words. Bring it.

To those that work at AT&T that put that order in to have my cell phone shut off for a five dollar late fee that I did not even know I had, cause I paid two days late last month and I am not even due yet this month and you wanted 40 bucks to restore the service AND I kept getting people that said "Hold on while I check this.." and was then directly sent back into the "press one for trouble with your service..", then had to yell at a whole new person all over again...........

I don't like any of you, but I appreciate that you did restore my service and wave the fee cause it was so freakin' ridiculous and if I did not have PMS, I may actually feel bad for the verbal beatings you all endured...or maybe not.

To those that coach football at Washington & Jefferson College, that continually screw over my fabulous, talented, handsome and "too good for your glorified high school, jump up in the air and hit bellies, fake stats" team......

I look forward to telling you off again next season, via e-mail, because you give hormonal fluctuations a home and a purpose.

To those that put up with all my bullshit.....

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Truth about Kids

2007-04-17T14:23:00.000-04:00

Now I love my kids more than anything in this world, but I am also an honest person that has to vent.

Some see babies as pooping machines that demand to be fed every three hours. None of that ever bothered me. I triple love babies and the only real complaint there would be the 48 hours of straight crying during teething periods, a small annoyance for the joy of a soft cheek pressed against yours, a toothless grin and something cuddly to carry most everywhere you go.

Then they become toddlers and they say the most adorable things. They get a bit messier and demanding, but still the cuteness factor is through the roof. They are more entertaining than anything and you beam with pride at every milestone.

Then they become pre-schoolers. I am convinced they made up this name to give hope to every mother that, you can do this, they will be in school soon!! They want your undivided attention, start bossing, manipulating their worlds to suit them and not you, and begin to get some joy out of seeing you about to lose it, which is more and more often.

This stage includes the beginning of major guilt, because, at times, you would pay someone just to get them the hell away from you for five freakin' minutes. Five minutes of no yelling your name, no showing you that 50Th picture of the day that you have to applaud AGAIN, no get me this, let me do it MYSELF, I had that first, sponge bob on very TV, I don't want to go to bed, I am scared, I am hungry, come wipe my butt, I want a bath, I want, I want, I want...WHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

School, a full-time job, a nanny and running away with no forwarding address become your daytime fantasies. At times you can actually feel parts of your brain mushing away from lack of adult contact. By the time everyone arrives home from school and work, you are exhausted, bitchy, short-fused and even sick of yourself, thus leaving you no peaceful way to recollect.

Then the glorious, and bittersweet, day comes when you drop them off to their first full day of school. You cry as you leave them there, get home and cry some more and you think how much you miss them. Then they come home and for the first hour, you hug them and talk about their day and then by hour two, three and four, as they start all the wants again, you are wishing for night school.

The phases continue, from potty mouth to smart mouth, from" give me a kiss, mommy" to "Please do not act like you know me, nor touch me when we get there", and from "You are so smart!" to "You know nothing". And that "wanting" thing, it just gets worse and more expensive.

Kids are the most exhausting, heartbreaking, wonderful, blessed thing in the whole world. With the overwhelming love you feel for your children, comes the equally overwhelming urge to want to choke them at times.

So, I am looking for a job and should, very soon, have one and "good Mommy" feels sad that I will have to be away from Brooke. What if she falls and cries for me or is emotionally scarred from me leaving her 8 hours a day after being here since she was born, every second of every single day for over four years.

"Real Mommy" says "Can I start today?????!!???"

41 Mouths to Feed and Nail Glue

2007-04-11T14:19:00.000-04:00

Our Easter/Brooke's birthday gathering was probably against fire code. There were 41 people total, but at times I swear there were 61 in the kitchen as I tried to maneuver about to get the food out. Of this number, eight were girls under 10.

It is amazing that grandchild 1,2 and 3 were boys and, when I was next to deliver number 4, I think we all had thoughts of dresses and baby dolls. Our dream came true five times and we have recently added three more by way of my brother's new family. I have mixed feelings on what to hope for with their child due in October. Frankly, I just am curious to see what an Eddie baby will look like and how it may act. A boy would be nice, but then he will have no one to relate to in the sea of girls. I guess we just hope for healthy and either way, I can't wait to have another baby in the family...maybe it will cure my aching, psychotic, you cannot EVEN have another one, uterus.

When it came time to open presents, the one 4 year old and three 3 year olds ripped into the bags and gift boxes like a tornado in a trailer park. I thanked everyone for whatever they may have brought, as I still have no idea what anyone got Brooke, other than myself. I would like to take back the thank you's on the play-doe, 120 memory game cards, and craft set that included a big bottle of glue that she used to coat the entire top of her play table. Also, retracting the thank you's on the extra candy included in everything, cause it was, like, an Easter theme and aren't people clever to think of including candy, so she vomitted up nerds and other assorted sugary treats all last night and missed her school birthday party today.

Her birthday party ended with a bang as well. She got to take a trip to the ER at 9:30 Easter night. She complained that afternoon of an ear ache and Cassie's nail glue looked like ear drops to her. She was very proud when she inserted the super glue in her ear and upon looking up what to do online, all info pointed to SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY. Even when we called the doctor on call(HMO rules) he was all "GO NOW!!!". Luckily, for her, the glue is fast drying and only got as far as the opening to her ear. They told us trying to get it off of the outer ear, cheek and hair might pull off her skin and to just let it wear off over the next few days. I brought the bottle with me and they were impressed with her recognition skills in " looks like ear drops" sightings.

My birthday party throwing duties are now officially over until November.

I Miss You, Delly

2007-04-10T19:51:00.000-04:00

Now that I am on this 128MB, Windows 98, piece of shit from hell, I often sit back and think about Delly, all the memories we had. Sniff, sniff....I lost my best friend practically. Well, one of them, anyway.

He sits, connected to nothing in the corner of my room. He holds about 600 of "My Pictures", many Photo Stories, all my bestest, favorite places and I really miss him, DAMMIT!

I used to make videos of the kids to music and watch them 10 times a day to suit any emotion I craved to feel. If I felt sentimental...memory videos with sad songs, if I felt like a good laugh, funny videos of Cassie posing with kissy faces and pushed out chest. I want them back!

I am still on the search for a job(Delly could do it much faster) and nothing is coming up at all. I am even involving family, who never call back with these leads they had, and I am starting to think they are avoiding me or just forgetting to actually do what they say they will and thus, avoiding me cause they forgot, cause they are too wrapped up in their own lives and WHAT ABOUT ME?? When did it stop being about me?? Oh, wait, it never was except for those occasions when they needed someone to pick on.

Okay, I am just kidding I am not that pathetic that all I do is sit around and say "poor me" and "everyone is against me"....well, not ALL the time anyway!

One's Vacation is Another One's Hell.

2007-04-07T11:40:00.000-04:00

There are so many occasions that bring dread to people. Funerals, open houses at school, your preteen daughter's slumber party because it is 4am and they are still giggling hysterically, spending holidays at your in-laws, but is there any occasion as dreadful as your husband being on vacation. Okay. Maybe the funeral one, depending on who it is and junk...but the vacation one is right up there! Trust. Me.

I cannot decide whether Bob gets on my nerves more when he is being an ass or more when he is being too accommodating. Of course you get both sides because he will keep trying to do things for me until it gets me nuts, I explode, and then it follows with the asshole behavior. Maybe the biggest issue is that everything he does is right up there in your face, good, bad and ugly.

I remember being young and how my mom's whole mood changed when my dad got home. She would be more edgy, more annoyed and seemed like her face might crack. He picked olives out of the salad and she sighed, he stood in her way as she tried to get the rest of dinner on the table and god forbid he try and help because any position he took upon arriving home was just in her way.

As a child, I was never really sure who to feel more sorry for, the annoyed or the annoyer, who annoyed, seemingly, by just being there at all. But now I get it and yet, somehow, I don't get it at all.

Do we resent them because we blame them or do we resent them because, no matter how much of a bitch you are, no matter how mean and unloving you treat them, they just will NOT go away! And when you tell them all the reasons you are miserable and how this thing is just not working at all for you, they ask if you "wanna do it" two hours later. I mean, WTF??

Makes you wonder if they are really that dumb or just really that smart, doesn't it?

Just.....

2007-04-05T14:39:00.000-04:00

Do you ever just get tired of people because you know everything and they know nothing?

It is hard sometimes to watch others make mistakes and not be able to do a damn thing to stop it. It is annoying, even. Almost as much as watching yourself make the same one over and over.

The extremists of the world set me off. There are so many around me. Whenever you say never or always, you are wrong. Remember first grade?

Friendships should not be this hard.

The Truth

2007-03-26T09:10:00.000-04:00

Ryan was home all week, which is especially exciting for Brooke. She loves to have her fun, big brother home and it usually requires me to have to explain some life lesson to her after exposure.

The other night she was in his room and I heard lots of giggles as she would come out and say "Ryan said a bad word" every few minutes. I went in to see what this was all about and he said she was saying the ol' H-E- double toothpicks over and over and reporting back to me that Ryan was saying it, but that he actually started it when she walked in by saying, "Hey, what da hell up?" Me asking Ryan caused her to hide her face under the blankets, cause she was so busted. I asked, "Brooke, is Ryan saying the bad word now or is BROOKE?". She would hide again and say "Ryan". Time for a little lesson on the difference between a lie and the truth.

I sat explaining over and over again that a lie was when you did not tell what really happened and the truth was when you did. So, after each time I changed the wording to see if she got it, I would ask her to please tell the truth. She would say, "Ryan said it". This went on for about ten minutes and I was starting to stress thinking that she just would not tell the truth. Today it is a bad word, tomorrow who knows??

I finally used the birthday threat, which comes in handy in many situations, "Children that tell lies can't have a birthday party. Now tell mommy the truth.". Since she is within weeks of a birthday and this sounded serious to a person about to turn 4, she sat up said "Okay, then!", as she crossed her arms and lowered her lip in pout, "Ryan said one twewff and I said lots of twewffs!!!!!".

Okay, so she actually told the twewff, but has no idea what the word means.......

A Moment of Silence Please

2007-03-21T09:56:00.000-04:00

I had a serious computer crash and have been mourning the loss of all my crap on that old computer, that prolly crashed cause it was so full of my crap. All my programs, pictures, videos...no access as my old trusty sits disconnected from power. May it rest in peace.....

I am using my Dad's old work computer with Windows 98 and I forgot how much I missed that "illegal operation" message..NOT. It is slow and a sad substitute for ol' Delly, but we will get through this....we have to.

The past week has been a rough one, not only because of the crash, but because other areas of my life seem to be crashing with even more devastating results. Teenage girls.....hard, exhausting, hurtful, destructive, heart breaking, and did I mention exhausting?

Sometimes in life, especially with children, the results of the things you have done or not done only become apparent after it is too late to fix them. Sometimes you wonder if doing something different would have changed it all anyway. You raise the first ones and get them out there and feel pretty good about what they have accomplished and who they are and you think you are pretty special and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. If it all did not fall into place, you might be picking apart their past and wondering what you did to screw them up.

I used to take comfort in the fact that I was always doing the best I could at any given time with whatever situation I found myself in and I thought with that alone, it would all work out for the best. Now, I am left with wondering what to do when your best is just not enough.

I watch Cassie make mistake after mistake and I want to jump into her head and have her see the reality of the world and yet we live in worlds 26 years apart and I can't go back and she can't come forward. We both ache to be heard but can't because we don't speak the language and sit dumbfounded at the words of one another.

We did go to wing night, the whole fam damily. Ryan, Travis and I played pool and darts. I lost at everything and still managed to have the greatest time. It almost made up for the 30 minute fight before we left that ended in us almost dragging Cassie to the car, cause she was "so not going". That was easier than packing the keyboards and phones into the trunk. We knew her angle there and being grounded from both, she saw opportunity.

When we got home we watched American Idol, all together, as the dog ran in circles and cracked us all up and Brooke tried to learn to ride a bike in the rec room. Between the dog springing from one couch to the other and Brooke crashing into the same ones, it was funny and entertaining and just what I needed as a small vacation from everything that is wrong right now.

Ryan and I made french toast at 1230am and it seemed like the perfect end to an imperfect day.......until Cassie, who went to bed 2 hours before, ran up into the kitchen at 1am, when all the food was gone, screaming..."I want some PANCAKES too!!!"

I told her to get to bed and was not lying a bit when I said, "We don't have any more pancakes".....cause we never did.

Yard Ornaments

2007-03-10T17:28:00.000-05:00

Have you ever rode by one of those houses with all the psychotic decorations in the yard?? They have flamingos, spinning daisies, all sorts of cute little animal statues and anything else they could find to clutter up their yard.

I almost became one of those people!

It started innocently enough as I brought a few Easter/Spring-like decorations out. I had a bag of colored plastic eggs that I had added string to and hung from the two bushes out front last year. Brooke was eager to help and I noticed many eggs were stringless, so to keep her out of my hair I suggested she fill each one with a rock and scatter them in the space between the two bushes, where the tulips are starting to bud.

The next thing I know I am at the dollar store, in the outside ornament aisle. I understand these people now. They are not crazy, they are bored. Crazy, "I will take on any useless project and totally over do it", bored!! That crazy indoor cleaning, I was so done with that...nothing left but the outdoors!

I was walking in some sort of spinning daisy nutcase trance, as I picked up pink and purple flowers on a stick that would match my extremely original Easter color motif. I picked up two frogs on a bench holding a lovely spring bouquet, some more frogs, a cute little bunny, a male and female child in spring clothes, each holding a welcome sign and some fake stones with religious stuff written on them. (Easter IS religious, thus fitting into the Easter/Spring theme).

Brooke, simultaneously, was putting her own stuff in the cart. Just as I caught her dropping two sandal shaped notepads in, I noticed she had a purple ball, a pink bunny and a purple and yellow horse head on a stick!! It was like the toy equivalent of my yard ornament quest!!!! I was horrified! It was just enough to knock the sense back into me and empty the cart, except for the purple ball and the horse head on a stick thingy, cause she was all crying for those.....

I left with just an outside folding loveseat and even managed to get the toilet paper I forgot at the grocery store. Not one yard thing, but I totally might go back for the frogs on the bench, cause I love frogs and one more frog in the yard is not like a disorder, right?

Of course repainting the birdhouse on the porch with a nail polish brush might be...............

Oh, Rosie

2007-03-05T09:59:00.000-05:00

I am so obsessed with my watching of "The Secret" that I think about it constantly and, in thinking about it, see the way I do attract the crap into my life. Learning a lesson does not necessarily help you change it all. That is the part that takes all the work. Hard, hard work.

I watch Rosie O'Donnell and see the opposite of the secret in action, even though I believe she is a good person with only the best intentions in mind. I watch her put out the things she most wants to end. She wants to help with a movement to impeach Bush and spews hate towards him with her words and writings constantly. She wants to end conflict with more conflict. If conflict is what she sends out, it is the only thing she will ever get back.

To work towards a cause is admirable, but to do it in the absolute wrong way is why people say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Her ways are like correcting a child for hitting his friend by hitting him. The way we live our life changes the world, not our anger and rage.

Anyone with even one other family member realizes that peace is not a true possibility, let alone in the worldwide sense. That cause for which one would defend, another would die on the front lines to change. It will always be that way. Not once, in the history, present or future of the world, will every human stand in agreement about ANYTHING, EVER.

One person could anger you to the core telling the evils of what a president has done to their life by the actions they took while another could step up a minute later and tell you why that same action saved their life, touching your heart and making you realize that everything that ever happens is both right and wrong depending on the outcome for each person individually.

When people present something to you with too much anger, their message becomes just anger. So that what they wish to convey is useless because who they are speaks so loud you can't even hear what they are saying. Anger, insults, rage, conflict, intolerance and failing to accept the views of anyone else will never inspire anyone, nor will it magically change into peace and acceptance. You cannot mix garbage in your blender and expect to get a chocolate milkshake.

So, Rosie, if you want all the things you say you want then take some positive action. Love even your enemy, forgive yourself for your mistakes and forgive others that make them too. Live a peaceful and loving life and watch those things come back to you. When Elisabeth has an opposite view, love that in America we can have them, even if we disagree with every fiber of our being. When you feel gays are being bashed, don't give someone a reason to bash some more. That Clay thing, yeah, that was not good. If a straight person had done the same thing and disrespected a host in that way, would you have been so angry? Would you have been so angry if she did it to President Bush? Or would you have applauded it?

If peace and harmony, in a realistic sense, is what you want, then live that way. You would inspire more people supporting our troops without disrespecting a job, leader and cause they believe in, accepting Elisabeth's comments without insult, living a life that promotes gay rights, not by conflict, but by example and showing support to a wronged person instead of insulting the wrongee right back.

Everything you wish for this world is what you need to be doing in your own life. Start there. Turn it around and start practicing what you preach. If you truly want to change the world, start with yourself. You have a great opportunity and you are just abusing the power in your hands. I can only inspire a small number, you could inspire millions. The conflict in your head right now is making it known that you are walking down the wrong path. You say you have not forgiven yourself for the comments to Elisabeth, while she has said she has forgiven you.

Start today, forgive yourself and do better. Everything that you want is worthy and people will hear you when you convey it with actions and not angry words.

Why am I writing an open letter to Rosie that she will never read?? Maybe because, on a smaller scale, I am just like that. Most of us are just like that. We scream for change while doing everything to prevent it.

Brooke came home from her christian preschool all upset the other day. She is afraid of God and doesn't want to go "up in da sky" ever. She said they told her God wants to give her peace and she "don't wanna a piece" because she can't figure out what he wants to give her a piece of, but if it is that living in the sky forever thing, she "don't want it". So, at this tender age, the world is on their shoulders., that fear of dying and learning about this higher power that wants you to come home someday and all you want is Mommy and Daddy forever when you are three years old.

Sometimes the truth is just too much, whether it is about heaven or the conflicts of the world with all the conspiracy theories and wrong happenings every second. Sometimes, in a world of constant chaos, we just need to feel safe and loved. We need someone to tell us it is okay to forget about all those pressing matters and just be happy for what we have in this second, a warm place to cuddle and unlimited showings of Blue's Clues on demand..........

No Title, Cause Whatever.............

2007-03-01T18:38:00.000-05:00

I have been so busy doing nothing that it frightens me. PMS took a strong hold this week and I thought it was winding into a "who cares about this dump" sort, but instead it took a swift turn on Tuesday and I, not only cleaned the house, but the back patio.

Now, you would have to see the "before" of the patio because it somehow became Bob's tool shed, lawn equipment storage, garbage dump, and the new home of anything else that got in his way in the house. There were lots of extension cords. I mean lots! Mostly of the bright orange variety, I believe they were from the outdoor Christmas lights, and he had a whole rubbermaid, circular bucket thingy full of them. I also found a couple bags that he was to take to the Salvation Army.......2 months ago.

I can only imagine what our neighbors must have been saying as they passed each other coming in and out of their homes. We are still fairly new to the neighborhood, as we have been here just one year, and the fear the patio must have brought to them makes me feel sad and yet slightly amused. The fifty piles of dogshit in the yard could not have helped the situation either. I cleaned those up too and the piles and piles of dead leaves from LAST FALL. The back of the house is officially clutter and shit free. It took a lot of muscle and an inhaler may have come in handy as PMS directed me up and down the steps to the garbage cans over and over.

The last two days I have done "checks" on the patio. I fear the free space will encourage him to move other junk out there now. I am on full PMS patrol now.

I was feeling kind of out of sorts and somewhat crazy with my PMS, but thanks to Britney I will be able to feel better about myself whenever I get that tiny little voice in my head that says "I am going to lose my mind!!" Cause, damn, girl, you make me feel so sane.

They are now calling this a possible case of post partum depression. I would agree only if you add several drugs and a big pinch of bipolar disorder.

Now for safety reasons only, and the fact that the last time I said something bad about Brit, several similiar type things happened to me, I wanna say that she looks great and I hope she has a full and speedy recovery.

The Shrinky Dinks

2007-02-24T11:13:00.000-05:00

Cassie and I started therapy, cause I am a hip 40 year old mom and because when you get to a point that your frustrationis are making you say things that you would never normally say...it is time for an intervention.

Just admitting that feels good. I was raised to fake the good and hide the bad. I never quite caught on to that and would rather be out there looking flawed than to be flawed, faking perfection. Too much pressure......

I think it will really help and the first session seemed to go quite well. We already seem to understand each other a little better. I really like that office because they so could NOT believe there was ANY way I was 40!! Yes, I knew I loved it there.

I always thought I would maintain my ability to "remember 14" or whatever age any one of my children were and that I would be able to mentally return to that age just to undertsand their feelings. Funny thing happens though, as hard as you try to remember that time, your knowledge, that only age can bring, keeps creeping back in and you still forget how you just would not have known any better at that time. You keep the feelings of the age, in a sense, but they are so clouded now by "knowing better".

Sometimes the act of something is just as important as what that act may bring about in the end. I think sitting in an office, talking about our feelings says how important that other person is to you, just as shooing someone's "200th same question of the day, worded differently," says you don't matter now. We say so much without really meaning to say anything at all. I am trying to pay more attention to that.

Travis, Chase and Lacey are coming in to the home stretch of graduating. It seems I just went through this all with Ryan, but two years have come and gone like a bowl of Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream (my favorite) and here I am all stirred up with emotions again. Just too many milestones, maybe. All of them remind me of how fast the time goes....Brooke will be four years old in less than two months! Unfreakin' believable!

I spent the wonder years, wondering way too much, the 20s growing up too fast, the 30s falling apart and now I really hope to do something different in my 40s. All these years of deep thinking and picking apart every last detail of my life was maybe to prepare me to actually decide to think about it less and live it more.

I'm so ready for that!

If You Miss Your Birthday, Does it Still Count??

2007-02-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

It started on Friday, the day before my birthday. I was going to a house warming party and it was a cold and miserable night. There was a different chill in the air and it was one that left your bones aching.

Right before I left and throughout the whole party, I was soooooooo cold. I mean ridiculously cold and shivering. It was a torturous cold and no amount of warming methods were helping. I heard that at times I kept up with conversation, but I barely remember anything other than being chilled.

(Me with my dart team at the party, notice my red face and nose preparing to be ill.)

By the time I got home that night I was miserable. I grabbed a few blankies and then a few more, until at last count, I had six blankies covering my body, that was still shaking from the sensation that I was laying in a bed of ice.

I started to finally fall asleep, but a horrible pain on my left side woke me up. I started coughing a lot, that only made my side ache that much more. By morning, I was weak and fevered. This continued through my birthday, forcing me to miss my little celebration with friends on Saturday night, and ended sometime Tuesday.

I remember a few years ago when I walked outside to get into my car. There was gravel all over the road for some reason and my house was on a steep hill. Upon stepping onto the street, my feet started traveling on the gravel. I had no control and when my feet flew into the air, by full weight came down on one elbow and then my hip. It was painful and I remember thinking about how, as an adult, we rarely fall. As kids, it is a daily event, but as grown ups, we don't experience this too much and it brought back the memory of all those bike wrecks of youth. In the same way, this flu made me remember how much it sucked to be sick. It rarely happens with such severity, fevers and flus, were you get older. You forget just how sick a body can get and then, you get amazed that it can heal from that.

I was sad that I couldn't celebrate with everyone and had looked forward to getting together with everyone, even though, secretly, I had wished I could just spend this day by myself, mourning my youth, being whiny and pathetic and all alone.

It gives new meaning for me to "Be careful what you wish for...........". But, just for the record, I never said ANYTHING about a fever!!

Countdown to 40!!

2007-02-14T11:02:00.001-05:00

How did this ever happen, cause I seriously never thought I would actually turn 40. As I say or think 40, I get a bad taste in my mouth. It is not that 40 is THAT bad...it is just a decade from 50, and 50.....ya-ouch!!

It wasn't that I thought I would die before then or anything like that...I was just stupid and thought it was so far off. I feel closer to the time when I sat in Oglebay, by the falls, with my friends, with a quart of beer, talking about how we would be 33 in the year 2000 and it felt like that was so,sooooooooooooooooo out of reach and then it creeps up on you and continues to creep even further, and you wonder how you ever got here.

My turning 40 issues are even starting to get on my nerves because I did not see this spazz out coming a year ago. It started in the fall, this obsession with it, and grew and grew into some big, depressing and scary thing.

I have three days and it will officially happen at about 730pm on Saturday. It feels like doom's day and I really need to get a grip and stop this shit, but I can't. I want a new hairdo, a new job (errrrr..just a job at all) , a new car, and just a whole new life. I think they call that a midlife crisis and I am riding that wave with a capital M and a capital C-R-I-S-I-S!!

When you reach the end of a decade you hang onto that number. You fool yourself into believing that 29 is so much younger than 30 and 39 is much better than ever saying 40. In my late 30s I used to forget my age and would have to do the math. I was like 37 for at least two years until my birthday was approaching and I did the math, but there is no mistake with 40, cause, like, it is ((40!!)) and the numbers are all different and junk. I will have to wait til like 48 to think I am still 47.......omg...the cruelty of it all.

Okay, I'll shut up. See, I am totally intolerable right now. I would pay a million bucks to just get a vacation from myself!!

<> I CAN do this. I just wish Cassie would stop pointing and laughing at me, repeating every 5 minutes that I am so old now. It is like some teenage revenge or something. "I am not allowed to do that...fine, btw, you are OLD and you can never be YOUNG again....HAHAHA!!!!"

My birthday wish...that I live to see HER turn 40!!!

Boiling

2007-02-11T10:16:00.001-05:00

I thought my lack of overwhelm may have been a good thing, but now I think I am in the stages of grief. I started with denial and now I am in the anger part. BIG TIME.

I am so pissed off right now. Why? I don't know, but WOW, am I ticked. I'm just downright mad. I'm sick and tired of everything and everyone and yet, no one specifically for any real reason.

I was in the car with Bob last night and every single sound he made or movement made me feel like I was fuming even more. I wanted to kill him for clearing his throat and it took every ounce of restraint not to kick him out of the car. When we got to the bar, my parents were there with my sis and her husand and just the fact that I had to try and make conversation made me mad. I tried to answer nicely, but just didn't care about the small talk and the pleasant crap.

I announced that I was a total bitch for no good reason and to please ignore me and better yet, not speak to me at all.

I am starting to get mad that I have to be around someone this angry and am completely sick of myself too. I tried to sit down and figure out what may be causing this and then I started pulling all sorts of reasons out and they were all stupid and all too deep and they pissed me off too. So, I stopped.

They need to have a 12 step program for bitches. "Hi, my name is _____, and I am a total bitch." Then you could sit and tell them about your cruel, aweful attacks on others during bitchy times while the others sat nodding their heads and patting you on the back. Or wait, maybe they would tell you to shut the f up. (It would be a room of bitches trying to reform. They would not all be, like, cured yet, right?)

Then the lead "reformed bitch" would be all, "I was where you are now and look at me.....I have bitched myself into numbness and you can too!" She would tell hideous stories of her past bitchiness and how she started the program to help all the other countless bitches out there to get help and support. It would be cool if it were like the alcoholic thing...like you have to avoid it. "You will always be a bitch, you were predisposed to be one, it is genetic and you must avoid your spouse or anyone else that gets on your flippin' nerves at all cost, because a relapse would be a certainty. Just like a drunk cannot have one drink, you cannot have any contact with the main sources of your bitchiness.".

That leaves me with a very short list.

I like it.

I NEVER said ULTRA!! EVER!

2007-02-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

My computer, after several abusive "use" hours from Cassie while I was at work and she had school cancellations, is not working so well. It freezes often, boots me and constantly brings up the same website over and over. I have tried to clean it up, but with no luck at all.

It is making me mad, so I avoid it since playing games is no fun if you get booted half way in and lose rating points.

We met with the realtor yesterday and as in most situations in our lives, and by "most" I mean "all", I had to do all the talking and take care of everything. Bob just sits back and nods his head occasionally. I imagine he secretly hopes no one will ask anything of him. The strange thing was, the only conversation happening was between me and the realtor and the realtor started every sentence with "Well, Bob, ya know....", which I found extremely bizarre.

I was shocked by a trick pen at the store last night and then given the wrong cigarettes and that little gothic, clumped eyeliner beotch is on my list now. When I got home and saw I had the wrong ones, Bob said he would run back down and get the right ones. I'm still not sure why and what he wants from me.

He said he told her she had given me Winston Ultra Lights instead of Winston Lights and she was all, "Then she should not have asked for "Ultra Lights". (you little tramp!!) He responded with, "She didn't, and has smoked Winston Lights since she started and I KNOW she did not ask for Ultras". Then he went into some figures about how long I have been smoking and how long he has known me, both quite exaggerated, and left.

Brooke is becoming a little repeat and a big boss. She tells me how to do everything and when to do it. She just walked in to tell me that Cassie eats everything, doesn't listen to her parents and needs to go live at the brat house. She is so serious and is looking at me as though it is up to me to act on all this immediately. I am not trying to have a three year old run my life, and I really need to get this girl in check with who is really running the show around here (Who am I kidding??), but I am going to look into this "brat house" thing.

I need to go to the store now, since I have avoided the big shopping trip for over a week. It is just too cold to be out there loading and unloading groceries and the employees either shock me with a pen or call me a grandma...I mean, who can blame me? But I need to go now and get some food for this house. Brooke said!

The End of the New Job

2007-02-07T14:05:00.000-05:00

After my allegies went ape shit and BD cut my knuckle, while attempting to take my lunch, I decided that my "stay with it" thing was, like, not going to continue anymore. I left.

I was mixed with relief and regret at the same time. I liked having somewhere to go to actually work and yet I hated WERE I had to go. Part of me wanted to stick it out and yet, I knew there was no long term potential in a job that, by week two, was making me want to vomit from filth and little dog hairs caught in the back of my throat. I no longer had to be in the office to experience the office. My last two days there, when I went to bed at home those nights, I woke up surrounded by the smell and running to the nearest toilet to gag. It was bad.

So many other things are going on at the same time, most I cannot write about here, and they have me in a miserable state of distraction. I see that as both good and bad.

I am quickly approaching the big 4-0. It has left me thinking about my life and just like a closet you avoid cleaning for way too long, this IS my life, as I see it now. A closet of crap that has things from the past, years and years of garbage and unwanted items, that I am finally ready to sort thru, keeping the important things and throwing out the useless clutter. Sometimes determining which is which is the hardest part. I feel that too.

I will have the last phase of my cosmetic denistry junk completed on the 26th of this month, if I do not chicken out, which I am pretty certain I will not, but then it is me and anything is possible. I keep telling myself how having it over with will be worth the hell. I almost believe that now, so I have faith. (Crossing my fingers.)

Something else really weird is going on with me too, maybe too deep to get into, but that never stopped me before.....AnyHO, I am probably in the worst shape of my life in just about every way. Financially-Train wreck. Physically-Exhausted and major lack of any real muscle tone. Among the zillion other issues that are going on, that stuff I would rather not mention, I actually do not feel down or completely overwhelmed. This means one of two things, I have either lost my mind and have crawled into some deep denial or I have hope and determination that I will see this all through and come out on the other side in a better place.

I don't want to jinx it, but I think it might be the second one!

No, really!!

It may be a temporary thing, as I have already admitted I am mostly just a mood swing, but I keep thinking about how cool it would be if it were the real thing. Just for today, I want to believe that and then take it day by day from there.

Tonight I have darts and tomorrow I meet with a realtor to try and rid myself of the house of horrors. Cassie wants to go back one more time for a ghost hunters experience, since most that have been there feel "something weird" about the place. I think it might be fun, so I agreed, with the condition that the temperature is above 40 degrees. Ghost hunting in cold temperatures might affect that cold breeze thingy and all.

........boom, boom, ain't it great to be crazy.,...boom, boom...........

The New Job

2007-01-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

The new job is a 500 page novel. It is in a house, in the basement, crammed against a wall and includes three dogs of various sizes. It smells of stale cigarettes and dog doodies. Frequently, there are strong scents of wet, dirty dog too.

It is hard to write about it in too much detail because writing about it in too much detail, then being found somehow on the web by employers...well, it could be a cause for termination. Hmmm...that might be a good thing though, huh?

The people are very nice and just "good folk", they love their dogs, allow grandchildren and god children to live with them, take care of everything for their drivers and live and breath their company. They are happy, despite numerous and major health issues, which is more than I can say for myself 23 hours of the day.

I question everything, over-analyze anything and have an internal dialogue that is highly overwhelming. I envy people like them sometimes. They accept life, without effort, and make no apologies for who they are. It doesn't matter that I turn my nose up at the conditions of their world, they never would notice, nor care.

But back to my world..... the dogs!! OMG!! The. DOGS.

There is a big dog, a medium large dog and a little dog. BD growls and looks as though he is ready to attack at any minute, MLD is somewhat more gentle, though I have heard she will strike unexpectedly, and LD is the leader of the pack, who goes for ankles. Tuesday, I had more quality time with my new canine friends than anyone else in my life.

My desk is old and has two sets of drawers down both sides, with the heater situated under MY desk, it leaves little room for my legs at all. But dogs.... Dogs can find a way. And they did. All three were crammed under my desk. BD and MLD battle, I get the misses as nips to my lower legs while LD reacts to the chaos by biting at my ankles. This continued most of the morning and when lunch came, BD had his paws on my shoulders, his face in mine and his eyes pleading for my food, while his mouth was set in a growl and bite stance. MLD had his paws on my left leg as dribbles of continuous drool fell on to my right leg, she saw a chance to move in and licked my salad bowl, as LD was still using my ankles as a squeaky toy. Every time she nipped, I squeaked a little.

Three to four food bites in and a zillion near dog bites in, I gave up on lunch and the thought of doggie drool on my leg and bowl made it easy. By the time I left, I was so hungry I could have eaten BD. I may have even enjoyed it. At least the cooking part.

The paper trail there is never ending and I find myself getting frustrated at watching people take a simple thing and make it so complex, but they are older and set in their ways. I do not see it changing much. I mean, saving three papers of worthless information per load in four different places within the same house, faxing it to at least two other offices and saving it to two different created files in microsoft office is a security net they may never be able to let go of and who am I to come in and tell them that there 40 year old business is highly inefficient. Plus, if I did all that, they may see all that extra time they waste doing stupid shit and realize that they do not need me at all. HMMM, again, that may be a good thing though, huh?

The day is long. Though it moves fast, I still leave before the sun rises and am driving home after it sets. Being gone ten plus hours a day has a few advantages. For instance, my mom comes by two days a week to watch Brooke and she has somehow, in her years of practice, managed to have every closet neat and tidy, while finding time to also do all my laundry, have it smell better, be folded all nice in a way that no fold lines ever exist and each room is in perfect order and all clean and junk.

I remember when I used to think I was becoming such a clean and organized person. It took me 12 hours a day. She is here for four. I'm starting to believe she places her finger on the side of her nose and wiggles it, cause damn, no way all that can be completed in four hours!! She haunts me. I start thinking about the real possibility that I truly have ADD again.

I do miss the kids, but they seem to be handling it quite well. Brooke is loving her 14 hours a week with mamaw and her 10 with Aunt Rosey. Fortunately, Travis picks her up after school and her "daycare" hours are very limited. I already sort of knew it would be hardest on me. I was right.

Now as part of my daily routine, I wake up, decide I will NOT go back to that workplace. As I get in the car and drive the 23.8 miles (I have an addiction to mapquest), I list all the reasons that this is so not worth it and I will surely die from secondhand smoke, combined with my firsthand smoke, or allergies, or dog attack injuries or third degree burns to my legs or food poisoning from the icky spoon I stir my coffee with that lays on the even ickier spoon holder that never gets cleaned.....and yet I go, like a real trooper, risking life and limb, as I sneeze and cough from my dog and mold allergies all day, all the while talking with the drivers, playing "everything is just great" and carrying on.

I'm still thinking about quitting Monday though............................if not then, definitely like, maybe, Tuesday. At least by summer, maybe not this one...but SOON!!

New Year, New Job, New Issues, ect

2007-01-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

........that I am too tired to get into right now. But, trust me..it is worth the wait, cause you cannot make this shit up.

NYE

2007-01-06T10:03:00.000-05:00

The New Year's Eve Party............

There were at least three competitions going on....a guitar hero playing contest..............

A Texas hold 'em game...........

and a "who is more sloshed"...AH Joey or Gail...........

It was also Joey's birthday......so just for the sake of realizing he had two big reasons to celebrate....I say Joey won that one.

All in all, we had a pretty good time, though as I mentioned the funniest pictures of all did not come out and the negatives were just blankness...but the memories of hanging out and acting stupid with your best buds will last forever................. good, bad, embarrassing or fuzzy.

Christmas in Pictures

2007-01-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

Our little angel for her Christmas show.

We had a really nice Christmas, even though I feared I would be in the nuthouse before they started opening gifts. Christmas-too stressful!!

Brooke had a wonderful time and we may need an extra room for all her goodies!

Ryan tried to avoid the pictures, but if I fail once.......

I will always try again...........

What bothers me is why his sweatshirt changed in less than a five minute span. It actually freaks me out alittle.

Travis was his usual "whatever" self, but seemed please with his gifts..especially the green papers with presidents on them.
After all the excitement the sissies posed for a framable, living room wall picture.......

Mostly because it is hard to get all three together in one place.

I will post some fun New Year's pictures tomorrow, though the ones of us doing a kicking routine while laying on the kitchen floor did not turn out..NOT ONE OF "EM!! That had to take a lot of prayer from all involved...but I really did want to see them.

I had a dental trauma yesterday. And that is all I 'm gonna say about that.

I just wish I had those kitchen floor pics....damn!

Just Stuff

2006-12-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Travis did get the tattoo. I showed up to offer my support since, after they decide it is going to happen, there is nothing left to do but be there for somebody.

It doesn't look bad and Ryan, who was highly opposed, wanted one as soon as he saw how cool it turned out. I do not see that happening, though. First, cause it costs money and second, cause he passed on his own class tattoo. Remember when we used to just have memory books that your friends signed??

Brooke is still freaking about her birthday, which will not be here until April. I told her her birthday was after Christmas, not knowing that translated to "immediately after opening your gifts on Christmas Day" to a three year old. As she cried about where was her cake and her beautiful birthday dress, I worked overtime trying to correct the wording.

I do not even want to think about the trauma this will all cause her next weekend on Cassie's birthday, then Ryan's at the end of the month.

Tomorrow night we are having a New Year's Eve party and I have mixed feelings about the whole ordeal because I have been trying to decide for three days now whether I am sick or not. I feel very non-specifically unwell. It is either the stress from Christmas or a true living virus. Whatever is behind it, I am all out of sorts. Being undecided on the actual cause, only makes it worse.

I have two more unemployment checks before we hit even further down on the financial disaster scale. That is weighing on my mind a lot and I just want to run away from home and pretend this last 20 years was all just a dream, assuming I could still have all my children.

The only good part is that the worse you do during the year pays off big at tax return time. Of course with all my kids getting older that child credit thing went from from 5 last year to 2 this year...that will leave a mark. Not a pretty one, for sure.

I entered a psychotic cleaning phase yesterday and plan on continuing with it today. It started as a "straightening up" thing and turned into a full top to bottom scrub, cleaning out closets, doing laundry from 1pm to 1am and finally ended with me watching over the clean areas to bitch at anyone that touched anything. Ryan, of course, came home from the game with like twelve friends and I sat upstairs listening for noises that may indicate "messing up" all my work.

When I woke up bright and early this morning, I started on more laundry and did a quick check of the rec room. Not so bad, just a few empty cans of pop and some glasses. I can live with that. It usually is much worse and looks more like a hurricane went though as pictures are all crooked, furniture is out of place, snack food is all over the floor and sticky spills are everywhere. I'm very pleased.

I still don't feel good though, but I plan on either jumping into the sick theory or just declaring insanity and calling it a day. I should know soon.

Bitterness, Bikinis and Meatballs.

2006-12-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

I slept until 11 this morning. I was the first one up.

Lets review this.....

I, who sleep an average of 2-5 hours per night, slept until 11 this morning. I did not go to bed until 2am, after being up all but an hour or so on Christmas Eve, but my calculations put me at NINE hours of sleep!!

I remember the phone ringing at 830 this morning and being surprised I had even slept that long as I rolled over and went right back to sleep. It was only the second call at 11:02 am that woke me, yet again. So, potentially I could have slept even longer! Finally, my Christmas miracle!

Nobody else was up yet. Bob was still sleeping from his exhausting Christmas activity of vacuuming the carpet yesterday, after I nagged him off the couch he had spent most of this week on, and all the kids, including Brooke, who was playing with her Dora house until 145am last night, were still slumbering, peacefully.

All that non-stop activity of mine must have really tired them all out. I never realized how sleepy it makes others to watch someone else do all the work. Poor babies....

Bitter anyone??

It is just my post-Christmas rant which, for extra fun, includes some highly embarrassing photos, but it probably will not end there....

But, seriously, everyone had a really nice Christmas and got everything they wanted, aside from me, who is wishing that Travis would not go get the tattoo that he and his friends all agreed to get as a lifelong symbol of their friendship. He made the appointment for 230 this afternoon and I tried, again last night, to talk him out of it and it only seems to make him more determined.

They are all getting the Chinese symbol for friendship as unity, but all putting that into a unique tattoo of their own choice to signify their individuality. It is well thought out in theory, it sounds as mature as a lifelong blotch of ink on the skin can possibly sound, until you see what Travis has decide on for his main tattoo.

A meatball!! On his shoulder.

Yes, I said MEATBALL!

Meatwad from Adult Swim will forever be on my son's shoulder unless I can think of some way to convince him otherwise in the next hour!! I may tell him how totally cool it would be and nothing would make me more happy then for him to get this tattoo and that I have never been more proud......that would certainly make him want to NOT do it....but, he'll never buy it!

Doomed again...first the pictures, now the tattoo....

Is it 2007 yet, cause 2006 is wrapping up real sucky-like??!!??

Confiscated.

2006-12-24T22:52:00.000-05:00

So, as usual, I open my mouth with the threat of "If ANYONE has seen those and if she is humiliating me, our limited relationship will be so over!". I tell this to my mom on the phone this afternoon.

I arrive at my mom's for dinner tonight and she asked me, all tight-lipped, where my purse was and then walks out of room to find it. She is carrying pictures.

I say nothing.

Sis walks in, an hour late, as usual, and says (in front of the zillion people in the kitchen), "Here are the negatives, psycho and I ripped up the copies I had at my house". I so am thinking she didn't still. I replied, "Thanks and thanks for announcing it in the presence of EVERYONE". I smiled and walked into the dining room.

Then my mom says, in private to me later, "She had doubles and she did rip up her set. I thought my set were in my purse and spent half the afternoon trying to find them....huff....they were in my mail holder". (Okay are they saying HER set and MY set?????)

Then my mom again tells me how they were not, like ,naked or anything and that she was going to use her set (she said HER set again!!) to make me a cute little album and how funny she thought it would be and I am SOOOOOOOO sensitive, yada yada, yada.

Sis comes back in to once again announce in front of people that they were not that long ago, cause she had pictures ,before and after, that were all from April. I say they are years old and drop it there. It does not take a genius to see that they are at my old home, that I moved out of before April...her theory is blown and I am not about to spend anymore time making this the main topic of conversation.

My brother walks in right before I am getting ready to leave and someone makes a joke about him, I laugh and he looks at me and say "Oh, okay , lets talk about........". My mom whisks him off to the kitchen, there is whispering and he never finishes his sentence. Yup, they showed EVERYBODY, just as I suspected!

I am willing to share the top half of the photo, but not the bottom which features a chunky gut and some upper thigh issues.....now, I almost feel as though I have to show that part too..............................

NAH!

Quite honestly, I feared they were much worse than they actually were, and they were pretty bad, but not completely "kill me now". Close, though.

I wish it was over now, but I still have this nagging feeling that the ones she "ripped up" will appear again in my future. Actually, I have no doubt about that at all. I, also, know they were viewed by other family members and just ewwwwwwwwwww.

The only good thing I can say is I have lots of practice with having completely humiliating things done to me by my family and then, them telling me I am just too sensitive when I protest. So, this is good practice for the rest of my life, when they get drunk and torture me over it again and again, or decide to tell stories at holiday dinners about it, or make a poster of the copies my sis still has for my birthday.

Yeah, this is far from over.......................

The Stuff that Can Only Happen to ME!!!

2006-12-23T17:56:00.000-05:00

I was out last night at a Christmas party, drinking with family and friends having a perfectly good time until..........

I walk up to the bar for another beer and my brother in law says..."Hey, you look really hot in a bikini!" which is followed by uncontrollable laughing. You know, the kind that makes you unable to even speak to further explain what the HELL you are talking/laughing about!!

I look at him puzzled. Then he starts posing in flex positions and is still laughing..then I get the flash of what this is, but how could it be, this makes no sense..OMG!

Back before Brooke was born, I started gaining weight. I started working out and buying different books to help with this very sudden and troublesome weight gain. Cassie would come home from school and I would be hopping about in the living room in front of some exercise VHS I had popped in and she would just giggle at the sight of me. I was desperate and adjusting my eating to rarely and my exercise to, well, any chance I got. She still laughs to this day about "Remember when you were pregnant and didn't know it and thought you were fat and doing all that exercise stuff??"

One of my many books were "Body for Life". It was a program that featured those "before and after" photos where you are all fat, flabby and very pale..but then, after strictly following the book's eating/exercise schedule, you are all thin, buff and massively tanned.

One night as I sat reading it, I was explaining to Bob about the whole reason these people get so buff so fast. He, the pseudo-body training expert, was all, "that won't work.....". Mix in a few beers, Cassie listening in and a disposable camera in sight and you get two people on a challenge.

We run upstairs,put on swimwear, humorously pose in positions that people were in on the front and back cover as our, "fat, flabby and pale befores". Throwing out our guts, flexing like muscle heads and thinking these pictures could be the stuff that blackmail is made of and that we would surely have to send them to a mail out development place. The local one hour photo place would certainly keep a copy and share them with others for a laugh.

Then the unthinkable happens. We lose the camera. Since I am one that takes an average of 3 years to develop most film, this is not unusual. There was also that unfortunate camera accident where I had two cameras sitting on top a box ,that was sitting up against a wall in the my bedroom where the furnace cover had fallen off. One day as I reached to get something stacked under the box, the two cameras fall into the opening of the heating vent and were gone forever in the furnace.

We start developing different cameras we found around the house and realize that the only things that seem to be missing are Ryan's D.C. trip pics and the body for life shots. I feel bad about the D.C. pictures loss, but almost joyfully giddy over the lose of the second camera and the contents that were better left unviewed, by light of a sober day and actual sense.

Okay, so how someone has, obviously, developed my pictures five years later in some cruel twist of fate that, the God's of cruel twists of fate, happen to play on me just a little too damn much! I can tell by the way my sister and BIL are talking that they must think this is some sexually weird thing Bob and I must have done and this is only further proven to them when Bob says, "OMG, does it have those naked pictures we took together a long time ago??" I respond with a look of total shock and say "What naked pictures???????" I am slowly sinking into some sort of hell as I browse through the pages of my mind, several times, looking for "naked pictures" and come up with "NO F"IN WAY".

I said, "That must have been you and your first wife, cause this gal, ain't enough alcohol in the universe for that!". I mean, with stretch marks and being at my flabbiest in years, taking body for life shots, that just seemed silly and something that would be for my eyes only as I saw them, burnt all evidence and had a good laugh....but NEKKID????? HELL, NO!!

Now, you have to realize that these have ended up in the worst possible hands ever. Since my sis says they developed these two weeks ago, I already know that 2 weeks, times 16 daylight hours, times a view every 2 minutes in said two weeks is a possible 7000 people that have viewed these from my entire family, her co-workers, her neighbors,the PTA, and random strangers that she wants to bond with in shopping malls....I mean, these suckers have been shared with anyone and everyone! No. doubt.

She says her girls looked at the photos first, who then shared them with my sis and my mother..yes, MY MOTHER, who them shared them with BIL and they showed two friends and they showed two friends and so on and so on and SO ON!!

The horror is beyond any horror I have ever known and is only equal to the question of how in the hell she ended up with this camera, which she says has her Easter pictures on it. Now we did have an Easter/Brooke's birthday party at the new house this year...but the camera missing for 5 years...I mean..what are the chances that it is lost forever, moves with us, ends up in a place where she believes it is her camera and WTF???? HOW?? WHY??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??!!???

SERIOUSLY....YOU HAVE TO BE FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what begs ever further question is why my sis, who I have talked to a few times in the past two weeks, fails to ever bring this up, but her drunk husband does so, in a bar, filled with people, at a Christmas party....OMG, again. Now, that I think about it, everyone was looking at me sort of differently and they probably had a viewing on some large screen monitor right before I walked in....and my forgotten body for life mistake is now just embarrassment for life and, OMG, I need to go lay down now.........................

But, seriously, why?????????????????

Blog This!

2006-12-21T09:53:00.000-05:00

Blogger has been frozen or saying that my password is not right and I hate it, so I gave up on it for awhile...today I was determined to get into my account and used the same password I always had, which it decided was wrong, til I did a password recovery and it gave me the exact same one I was using and finally worked after that..yes..hate it!

Anyway, Christmas is no longer my favorite holiday. This year has proven to be very difficult and stressful. I constantly think I have enough money, to learn that I still have to buy food and toilet paper and junk and then realize I am way short on finishing. Thank goodness for friends and payday loans..otherwise, I would be screwed with a capital S!

It never seems to be enough and if I had a million, I would still be stressing. It is my nature to be a freak. Like my trip to go shopping...

I start off determined to finish once and for all. While driving to, yet, another department store, I spot lots of thick black smoke in a neighborhood. Now I have a giant history of driving by places on fire that no one else seems to know about. My first was seeing a women casually cooking dinner in her downstairs, through a window, while I see her upstairs in flames...I mean, massive flames!! I have spotted so many fires it is beyond freaky, so when I see this smoke and no woo woo's in sight...I must further investigate.

I circle the block about six times and cannot identify the origin of the smoke. I realize I must drive down the side street that looks to have a visibility of zero to find out where it is coming from...I am a daredevil, surprisingly, in fire situations. I must do this a few times, cause I still can't see anything. Then I finally spot a two car garage that has a big metal pole thingy sticking out the top that is the culprit. I see no flames anywhere else, assume all is as it should be and then go on my way, sure that I am the reason several mechanics died in a freak car fixing accident.

I get to the store and start picking up several items, and adding up the cost of the pile of shit in my hands, then put some back, then pick more up, then add again, then put more back and then do this for well over an hour and a half. I finally decide on six items that, in my mind, will surely even out the Christmas piles of my four children, at least until I get home and reevaluate and return to re-even out piles again. Exhausting........

Then I see that at the exact second I am ready to checkout, so is the entire population of the store. The lines are about 10 deep with me in place 10. A new cashier is coming and tells me she is opening up. I, and the two people directing in front of me in line, go to the new register. I made it before them, but I say it would only be fair to allow then ahead of me. BIG MISTAKE!

The older lady, that was first, had managed to pick up three items, out of the six she had, with no prices. The price check nightmare begins as different departments are called to look at her goods and find them for the scanner code thingy. Her old husband keeps repeating the prices, as though they will just take his word and make up a scanner code. I take a few deep breathes.

The people in front of me are a mom and daughter. The daughter is begging for something, the mom is saying no, and the daughter starts with the "Why nooooooooooot??? Mom, pleasssssse. Why not??? Geezeeeeeeeeeeee!!". Directly behind me, and I mean directly because the small children rammed the buggy into the back of my ankles several times, was a grandma, mom and two children under the age of three. The mom and the grandma are talking non-stop, loudly, as the children, even louder, are asking for "Mawmaw" to buy them candy. Mawmaw continues to talk to the daughter as she occasionally says "Mawmaw get you some later, not tonight".

Price check is taking a long time, we are fifteen minutes in and I notice that the line I was in is checking out people that were not even in it when I was number 10. I give myself a pep talk, but then five more minutes pass with.."Does that hat have a decorative button or no button??" by price check wench..she still has not found the freakin' hat!! More "MOOOOOOOOOM, please. Why nooooooooooot??", "THAT is ENOUGH, STOP!", "But why not???""Mawmaw....candy!", "Mawmaw get you some later", "PLEASE!!", loud daughter/Mawmaw talking, "Mawmaw", "Why noooot??" "Mawmaw", "Mawmaw" "Please", "Stop!", "Mawmaw!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another direct hit to the back of the ankles.

I snap! I walk out of line, throw my shit on the nearest shelf and walk out. And not in a nice, calm way either but, rather in a huff.

I get in my car, drive back to possible fire sight again, all looks good..I have not killed anyone. Go to CVS, see gift sets, put several gift sets in buggy, put them back, put them in buggy again and so on. Run to Kroger, deciding that I can at least accomplish something by getting all my Christmas dinner items early, run into old friend, talk for 45 minutes, feel too tired to get everything now....come home, four hours later, with a ham and two gift sets.

Yeah, I am so over Christmas now.

Granny Got Run Over By a Bagger

2006-12-13T10:08:00.000-05:00

I took Brooke to school and instead of coming home and playing on the computer for the two and a half hours that she is there, I decided to finally accept that I am a grown up, with grown up responsibilities. I wasted my free time at Krogers buying food for my family.

Before I left, I actually combed my hair, put on a little make-up and tried to look like I gave a damn about what I looked like....AnyHO...it was a merry day at Krogers, the stocking guys were whistling Christmas tunes and I chatted with different ones as I made my way through. I was taking my PMS by the horns and being almost chipper, despite my instinct to make mean faces at anyone that remotely got in my way.

As I was checking out, the cashier lady forgot to add my cigarettes and I was very.."NO problem, don't worry about it" as I smiled and remained pleasant.

THEN!!!!

A bagger girl. A bad, evil, terrible, ruined my entire life, bagger girl followed me to the car. Kroger does not discriminate against, well, intelligence challenged individuals and have several working as baggers. She is fairly new.

We get to the car and she is sort of just tossing bags into the trunk with groceries falling out everywhere. She noticed some wrapping paper and commented on how pretty it was and asked how many kids I had. I said, "four ", as the bag she was tossing in held several six packs of applesauce that fell over. She saw them and said...are you ready for this?????? "Oh, I see you must have some GRANDCHILDREN too"!!! Me. Grandchildren. Old. Turning forty this year.

I said, "No, that is for MY three year old". Thinking the worst was said, she continued talking. "Oh, YOU don't look like you COULD have a three year old, maybe a three year old GRANDCHILD"!! She said grandchild again!! She accused me of looking old enough to have GRANDCHILDREN!!! Not that at 40 you couldn't have a grandchild, but damn, girl, why you callin' me a grandma and shit??

I am reminded of 2 years ago, getting Ryan's tux when the lady thought I was his sister and my mom was "our" mom. I had on a college hoodie and she was asking me what year I was in. So, I go from college student to GRANDMOTHER is two, god forsaken years??????

There will be no living with me now. This ain't good!!

And that is all I have to say about that.

Its Beginning to Look a lot Like...

2006-12-12T14:50:00.000-05:00

PMS..everywhere you go..
From the dirty looks I give to the wish that you were dead
Just until next week........

And I cleaned, so nobody better mess up ANYTHING!!

Tonight should go something like this...Yell, be miserable, cry, feel guilty, be too loving and sweet from the guilt, get mad again five minutes later, hate on life, cry, go to bed.

But I truly do love you all....now get the fuck away from me.

Cheers!!!!

Animal HELLter

2006-12-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

Our doggie got out of the yard on Monday, I called the pound on Tuesday at 12pm, 1215pm, 1 pm and only got a recording, left a message, they called back at 255pm, 5 minutes before close, informed me that they did, indeed, have her and that we could not pick her up til the following day.

Now, this shy, nervous, starving puppy that we brought home in July was just starting to really get comfortable with us. She was eating fairly well, wagging her tail at the site of us and no longer hiding in the corner shaking like she was awaiting her turn in the electric chair. I thought upon arriving home, she would be thrilled to see us, jump up and down, wag her tail and just go crazy with happiness at being home.

Instead, she came in and looked like we were the firing squad and she was all slouched down, nervous, scared and uneasy. She was making horrible gagging noises and vomiting, would go hide in a corner for hours and we seemed to be starting at square one with a soul that, apparently, lived a tortured life before she came to us.

We were given a note from the pound that 95% of dogs leaving there will develop kennel cough. Well, she did, and also had a severe dandruff problem and she smelled horrible. HORRIBLE!! She had a nice bath and went to the vet today for a shot, and we left with two prescriptions and instructions to put a warm towel around her neck covered in vicks. I, now, have no respect for the animal shelter, cause their housing her for two nights has cost me a bundle in boarding fees and vet bills and obviously, they are not the fabulous animal-atarians that I once believed and the lady that called back was a bitch from hell.

I was all "Can we come right now and get her, she is very sensitive, we can leave right now..". She was all, "Unless you can be here in four minutes, NO." Well, it would have taken fifteen to get there and I asked if anyone could just wait ten minutes and that, due to her past, she may be really freaked out, and it would be better to be home then spend another night. She said "Nope, not if you can't get here in two minutes, now". Compassion, sensitivity and general kindness must not be a requirement to work there.

Ryan will be home next weekend for three whole weeks! I am really excited because the first half of his sophomore year has been really rough on me. He calls less, talks for shorter amounts of time and seems all grown up now. I mean, geeze, can ya help a mother out here and just act a little like you miss her and still need her??

Christmas Check (Yourself In) Lists

2006-12-08T07:11:00.000-05:00

It must be about two weeks til Christmas cause I have that "Christmas is almost here severe, anxiety disorder" that I develop every year. The symptoms include making lists, lots and lots of lists, of presents already bought, presents I still have to get, checking account balances added to all projected income I shall receive before the 25th, credit card balances, presents bought again, presents that I need to get again, balances, balances, BALANCES!!

I'm exhausted.

I wake up too early with all the lists and balances ruminating in my head like Chinese water torture and I feel all stressed out and unwell. I get colds, sore throats, muscle tension, chills, hot and cold flashes and your standard "wiggin' out" feelings every few minutes.

Yes. Christmas is joyous, indeed!

I do have moments of intense, real whacked out Christmas pleasure still. Like last night I watched "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" with Brooke and it was the first time she actually had the attention span to really watch it. She was so excited about "dat was Santa when he was a baby" and "Santa bring toys to all the children" and when they do that song "Put One Foot in Front of the Other", she and I danced and walked around the love seat. In fact, she insisted we sing and danced around the love seat "just one more time" for a full 15 minutes after the show had ended.

As she lay in bed, just about ready to fall asleep, she was softly singing to herself, "put one foot and one foot and 'nother" and I just smiled, snuck away and felt total happiness and youthful Christmas excitement. I remembered why I love Christmas so much and then I went to the couch to snuggle in and feel all warm and cozy, then ....

I started making mental lists, lots and lots of lists..............

Drunk Dialing

2006-12-02T11:20:00.000-05:00

I have learned a valuable lesson. Several, actually.

Old people should not play quarters, but more importantly, should never play quarters with a cell phone on the table. I sort of forgot about the cell phone thing til I was left a message from SIL from hell at 445am that said "Why you dialin' my number at 3 am when I had to be at work at 5am. I don't do that shit to you!" Judging from the time, the call did not wake her up and judging from the second statement, she is even more out of touch than I ever imagined, cause she is not only the queen of unwanted calls in the middle of the night, but she keeps it ringing for a good hour til she finally gives up.

Then I am woken up at about 9 by the cell phone ringing but the shock of my brain being squeezed out of my skull left me unable to respond in time to answer it. I managed to stumble over and listen to a voice mail from my brother, "Yeah, I can see how people drunk dialing at 3 am would still be in bed, call me idiots".

I signed online a few minutes ago and saw an email from S. about a middle of the night call and voice mail from Bob. And just for the record, I did not make the calls, but I do remember something about egging them on after they started, I could be mistaken. Prolly not, though.

I called Ryan a few times too. He was at a Christmas sweater party and drove home Wednesday, mostly to get a sweater from my mom,I think. She gave him one of hers that was covered in little presents, santas, and little girls with braided, yellow yard hair that hung off the sweater. It was more like a shrug on him so she gave him a tight, ribbed red turtleneck to complete the outfit. I learned that he was still at the party and still wearing the sweater at 245am. I also learned that he thought the first call was funny, the third, not so much.

Most important, I have learned that 39 year old people's hangovers linger for days possibly and I have a full weekend and I must be a total nutcase and that I suck at gambling, cause I also tried my luck at the Downs, and that now I have to make several calls of shame to explain my part in the bad behavior. Definitely, too old for this shit.

Injured List

2006-11-30T08:43:00.000-05:00

I knew that sleeping on the couch would get me sooner or later, especially our new couch that makes it feel like you are slanting towards the floor. It is not long enough for my body and the back pillows are too fluffy and in the way.

A few nights ago I started waking up in pain and then searching the house for a place to sleep. Brooke usually ends up in the bedroom with Bob, but maybe she is learning how someone snoring, rolling up in all the covers and breathing like the elephant man make for a tough slumber. This meant, my back up sleep area, her room, was out. The futons in the rec room are too hard and hurt my hips and I realized that I am stuck on the couch forever, possibly.

This is very bad because I woke up yesterday with a sore neck, which turned into an inability to turn my neck to the right at all by 4pm. I then started having pain that traveled from my neck to my right shoulder and arm. Lifting my arm caused shooting pains through neck, shoulder and down top of arm....by 8pm the arm was no longer working and from positioning of the bum arm, started going numb and tingling.

I , again, ended up on couch last night for lack of any alternatives and have ruined my body forever and forever. I'm sure of it. I tossed and turned the whole night trying to get into any position that did not kill my neck and arm, which was not possible, got very little sleep and woke up with pain that was worse and now bad back pain too!!!! (Which I totally blame the pain in the neck for...not Bob, but the actual pain in neck. But then he did not offer to give me the bed because his sleep is more important than anyone else's and he "just requires more than the average person"..so, okay, I blame both pains in the neck).

I have to work Saturday for like a gazillion straight hours, well 10, but it requires arm movement and turning of the neck, so now I am all freaked out that I will be all annoying with my shooting pain and my 5000 "ouches" when someone talks to me from the right and I forget about how turning it makes me scream, "Ouch!!".

I did get, from MBGFB, a cozy pair of flannel jammies that I am quite pleased with, a nice visit and Ryan came home for a few hours in the afternoon and was in a really funny mood...so all was not horrible.

Brooke is sick AGAIN with allergy type stuff and a fever, so I see a doctor visit in my plans for the day and I imagine I will be using search engines to look up things like "Help, my neck hurts", "OUCH, my neck!!!", and "Remedies for breathing like the elephant man".

Grrrrrrrr.........

2006-11-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

I wrote more mean letters to Ryan's coaches and got a response this time. Some letter about how they want him to stay and it would be a great loss to the W&J football team. How, I am not sure, cause if he is such "an outstanding athlete", why is he on the sidelines and how is that a loss??

Hate 'em!!

I remember when I used to be a lover and not a fighter. I treasure those 15 minutes of my life.

I just feel angry right now and anger has nowhere to go but deeper inside where it eats you alive. I know this and yet cannot stop it from happening at the moment. I'm mad about the Ryan situation, my situation, the kid's situations, and just about everything else. This too shall pass and hopefully VERY soon.

Brooke is in a very good mood today, which is helping considerably. She is singing with the Wonder Pets and giggling. It is almost 2pm and not one hairy fit yet!! That almost makes up for the entire, large cappachino that I spilled on my bedroom carpet that is still lurking there under a large towel I threw on it. Bob spotted the towel, came in all disgusted like and said, "Did SOMEONE spill SOMETHING on the carpet??!!??".

Long claws grew from my fingernails, fangs came out and the most evil look had to be on my face as I said, "YES.....I DID". He backed up slowly, his demeanor went from one of disgust to one of fear and he let out a very "cool with him, I am not starting anything, we all make mistakes, it is fine, greater than fine, perfectly wonderful",

"Okay".

He can be very intelligent when you least expect it.

So, I plan on spending the rest of the afternoon pampering myself with a total body, skin exfoliation, that has nothing to do with Cassie saying, "Your skin looks all shiny and scaly and like, old".

Thanks and No Thanks

2006-11-22T17:31:00.000-05:00

To all my friends and family I want to say have a wonderful holiday and I hope you know how much each and every one of you mean to me.

Thanks to my long distances friends (B. and L.) for the wonderful trips down memory lane whenever we talk and how it seems like no time has passed at all. No thanks for leaving me back here in the land of no opportunity!

Thanks to K. (MBGFB) for being you and not only understanding everything I go through, but for being 100% on my side, always supporting me and just for all the times when we hang out around the house doing nothing. No thanks for helping me think up that hot fudge ice cream cake idea, that I had again last night and am developing a few extra rolls. Cake. Bad.

Thanks to S. for helping me see the other side of things, how comical it all can be and for being my H word partner, what a pain in the ass. No thanks for sending me that blog, cause, damn, that shit tore me up.

Thanks J. for listening to all my crap on a daily basis and still actually wanting to talk to me. I couldn't make it without ya. No thanks for not finding my credit card and making me walk around all day looking for circular things with junk hanging down. (HeHe).

Thanks to R and AhJ for being the laugh I always need. No thanks for the smothered chicken recipe which I now refer to as "IBS chicken".

To my kids, Ryan, Travis, Cassie and Brooke...Thanks for being my babies and making me proud. And thanks for always making life exciting and no thanks for always making life a little too exciting at times.

Ditto that for my entire family.

Happy Turkey Day all!!!!

The Weekend in Review

2006-11-19T17:01:00.000-05:00

Friday: Cramps, irritabilty, making food for Ohio State game. General whininess and misery.

Saturday: Cramps turning by evening to OMG, my back is broken and my ankles are swollen and so sore, can barely walk...Game, acting like I am not in pain, entertaining others, preparing food for others, leaving others in rec room watching game as I fall face first into bed and snooze a bit before work at 9pm. Go to work and pray for police raid so as I can just go home and whine comfortably about my back and ankles...doesn't happen.

Sunday: Go to bed so, so late, wake up way, way too early, go back to bed, wake back up, rinse and repeat til 10 am. Check ankles and right one is green and bluish, hurts BAD, try and stretch back, fear I may never be able to move normally again, start self-loathing over why I am such a disease and then off to bedroom for a lazy, lay around, clicking through channels kind of day. Sent Bob and the girls away to the store for a break and to fetch me some much needed PMS minus the P chocolate. Currently waiting on chocolate,must lay back down and hoping that the chocolate will make it all better. Just as chocolate should.

Photo Evidence

2006-11-15T09:23:00.000-05:00

I was looking at pictures when I found this one from a college formal. I had just turned 19 years old and I noticed a weird thing about pictures of myself. I always look the same to me. Maybe it is some middle age denial, but I don't look at that and think, "Wow, I was just a baby back then..look how young I look!".

To anyone else, they would see the difference and how I have aged, just as I look at pictures of my parents from when I was in school and think how I do not remember them ever looking that young.

BUT THEN!! My theory was blown when I found this picture taken this past April, exactly 20 years later... and did the unthinkable...placed them side by side!! Oh, the cruelness of it all!

Now, I was NEVER one to take a good picture. Cameras are not my friend and never have been, but besides the fact that I always look really different and out of proportion to myself in photos, there is no mistaking what happened in this picture. I GOT OLDER!! I LOOK OLDER!! OMG, WHO IS THAT???

I even found a picture that was taken right inbetween, well, close, 9 years ago in 1997 at a steakfry.

So, we have 1986, 1997 and 2006 and there is no denying it now. I'm not aging quite as gracefully as I had hoped I was and, you know, that hurts. Really hurts.

Now I have spent the morning thinking about bangs and if that is the key to looking younger, or could it be big hair and high bangs? Is it my long hair, and I am too old for such long hair, that is messing me up? Or could it be all that plus, spending the last several years in a worried face frown, being too stressed too often and 20 years passing? Either way, I feel PMS coming on and I just did not need to see this all today.

I am going to go roll in a ball now and cry like a baby and jump head first into "the midlife crisis from hell" for an "older woman" that is going to turn 40 next year. FOR!! TEE!!!

And to the snotty, young checkout people at Kroger's....please, just for a few months, do me a favor....STOP CALLING ME MA'AM!!!

I'm a Sucker

2006-11-14T13:58:00.000-05:00

for the holidays. As soon as they start putting those decorations out in October, they have me hook, line and sinker. I get that warm, fuzzy feeling and start to smile for no good reason, other than the cute little snowmen in a neighbor's yard. I love it all. The music playing in the store, the overcrowded aisles of Christmas stuff, and the baking junk moved to the front of Krogers..it all makes me happy.

I start searching for the Christmas specials on TV. I love "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Rudolph" and that one with Heat and Snow Miser.."I'm too much...Bah dump dump dump". Oh, and "Little Drummer Boy", when that lamb gets hit and sniffle, sniffle, its the most wondrful time of the year......

I start playing my Johnny Mathis CD and I think back over so many great Christmas memories, like when I got the Barbie Cruise Ship and the slippers with doggie faces on them. I remember how good the house smelled as my mom baked cookies and delicious, comfort meals and how we would get that long vacation from school and sled ride down the church steps by the ballpark.

No matter how old I get, I am 7 years old again at Christmas. The only difference is I get to give the presents and that makes it even more fun! Sure, it is stressful trying to even things out with the kids and all the worry over finances and junk, but it is so worth it to me.

My absolute favorite thing is the tree and all the ornaments over the years that the kids have made or picked out, those "baby's first Christmas" ones and all the little toy soliders, the log birdhouse one that Ryan insists on hanging every year.....it makes me wanna dig out the tree right now!

I see all those people that already have their decorations out and their tree in the window and I realize that I could never do it that early, but that first weekend in December, (Yee HEE HEE) I will be doing my own decorating and I can hardly wait. Johnny will be in the background singing.."Walkin' in a winter wonderland.....", my kids will roll their eyes at me as I sing along and I will be fine with it, cause Christmas is coming!!!

Happy Birthday Travis!

2006-11-10T09:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Travis,

As your 18th birthday approaches, I am reminded of all the memories of your childhood and how I sit in shock at how fast time passes. The first look I had a look at you while still in my belly, the first time I saw you and how I was so thrilled to be your mom.

Those "standout" moments, good and bad, replay in my mind. The first time I had to take you to daycare, and everyday after, that you cried for me as I pulled away and had my heart ripped right out of my chest as I watched you in the window waving furiously, trying to be brave through the tears. You were just about to turn three and all I wanted to do was be there with you.

I remember you in little league, that skinny, almost anorexic -like body that looked so frail and yet could throw a fast ball like no one else, how you hit all those homeruns and won trophies at St.C. I remember your bologna phase, when all you would eat was sandwiches morning, noon and night and how many visits to the doctor we had over it. They said you would grow out of it or certainly tire of bologna, but I had my doubts. You did eventually, but it seemed like forever.

I remember moments of pride as you accomplished little milestones, made friends and took pride in so many things that may have not seemed so important to others, but where everything to you. I think of my life when it was just the three of us, and you and Ryan would run around the house for hours, loudly chasing one another as I sat and crammed for exams and took a few breaks just to laugh at the two of you.

All the times when my heart was breaking for you when things did not go your way, when I had to say no to something you wanted and when you were so mad at me for it, and how I hoped one day you might understand why.

Through the teenage years,you spent so much time in your room, away from us and I wanted so much to have you there next to me and yet, wanted you to feel like you could be alone if that is what you needed. I still am not sure if that was good or bad and you still tend to go off on your own so much, but I understand. I always will and though it is normal to seperate from your parents during this stage in your life, I want you to know that I will always be there for you, always support you in anything and even though you pride yourself on your independence, I hope you also take advantage of relying on others sometimes too. You would never have to look far, I promise you that.

I hope you get everything you wish to get from life and I will always be there to share in your successes and your downfalls and I will love you through it all, no matter what. My precious baby, have a wonderful birthday.

Love,

Mom

Just for the Record

2006-11-06T09:32:00.000-05:00

(Warning: This post may cause cavities)

I just have to say as I browse through recent titles, that I am not such a downer in real life. I laugh a lot, every single day,about, well, just about everything. But I'm fun. I AM!!

Its seems I use my blog to vent about the things that are wrong and the major thing that is wrong right now is the house and money situation, but my life is so much more than those setbacks.

I have great friends and I love people and people love me back and my kids are fabulous sometimes too. My family is entertaining and my life started in chaos and continues there. It is not always such a bad thing, it feels like home to me by now. I love the constant issues that arise when you have a houseful and even though I bitch about it, I wouldn't really have it any other way. Well, I might opt for a day or two off every year or two, but I fear the quiet would be deafening.

I love that my kids are quirky, goofy and complex even when it feels like hell sometimes. I like spunky and spirited. It keeps life exciting. Being teenagers is a tough business, we have all been there, we just forget sometimes. Ryan only has a few months left as a teenager even!!! It seems I pinch myself daily as I think about him turning 20 and me turning 40 next year.

Speaking of which, VH1 had the top 100 songs of the 80's and "Livin' on a Prayer" was number one!! The number one song when Ryan was born!!! I cannot hear that song without remembering that time in my life, a time when everything changed. He is now the age I was when he was born and I cannot even imagie that. I feel for my 19 year and 11 month old self, not so much for what I missed, but how I could never have imagined how different my life would be from all my friends that were still off at college. But all these years later, I do not feel shorted at all, I just feel blessed.

Love is a funny thing. It changes through the years and romantic love takes a backseat to farmiliarality and a comfort zone, but the love for your children, just as it multiplies for each new life you bring into this world, it deepens over time and becomes the very fiber of your being.

So, even when things are not going so well, I still laugh everyday, love everyday and feel blessed to have all the special people that are in my life. Whether I see or talk to them daily, weekly, or even yearly, they are never far because I think about them all the time and how knowing them has made my life so much richer.

Though I may vent a lot about the bad stuff, I never forget all the wonderful people in my life or the riches I do have that have nothing to do with money at all.

I Ain't Sayin Imma Gold Digger...

2006-11-03T12:13:00.000-05:00

I remember when I was young and one of my best friend's mom's would always be all, "This guy you're dating....what are his future plans..what does he intend to do with his life.... is a college education in the future...what sort of income level does his family fall in to... seriously, what is his future potential???".

We thought she was so whacked at the time. I mean, geeze, I am 16 and my future plans stopped past the "I am definitely planning on kissing him and if things work out, possibly letting him touch my boobs over my sweater". Also, in the 80's, we were all about taking care of ourselves. We could be the doctors and lawyers and have kids and a mansion and be able to do it all. I mean, "I am WOMAN, hear me roar and shit. We were dumb like that.

Now I see the massive importance in those questions. Once those babies start coming, you don't wanna be working 60 hours a week, bringin' home the bacon, fryin' it up in a pan and never, never letting him forget he's a man. (They left out the kids in that one and the fact that man worshipping was so 1950's).

You start even looking at your son's romantic interests and hoping they pick a well-adjusted, career-minded, level-headed, mentally stable, intelligent, college bound, full of potential gal...... you know, the thing Mom thought she was and totally was not.

A part of me still wants to be all those things and a part of me wants to be "taken care of", as in, makes lots of money and take all my worries away while I raise your kids, keep the place fairly clean and put in 15 hours of shopping a week. All of a sudden, none of that seems too much to ask. That whole "I am Woman" thing, yeah, I am so over that.

Even making the lots of money part isn't as important as make enough to not have to struggle, be able to take a few vacations here and there, go to bed at night knowing no one is going to call about late payments and just enjoy life without having to merely survive it.

The problem with that silly idea, I think that came in the 70's, that love can conquer all, is not realistic. If you fall in love with the gas station attendant, cause he looks so hot and has that really cute butt and damn, can he kiss good, you think that the love will make it all worth it. You nobly state that you would rather be with the man you love than have all the money in the world. And, hell, you can work too. Then you have gas station attendant jr and responsibilites and urges to be with your kids that you never dreamed would be so giant. You're exhausted and overwhelmed. All of a sudden the gas guy is just a lazy, worthless man ruining your chance at happiness. Enter resentment and did he ever really kiss that good anyway??

So, I believe what used to be called a gold digger is just a really smart woman using sense beyond her years. Unless, of course, she goes after an old, wrinkly 90 year old millionaire that may be on his way out. Cause, ewwwwwww. Girls need to look ahead like that. Life is not fair, epsecially as a girl, because you will statistically have 80% of the responsibility concerning your kids and your house. Sure, men think they help, but between you and I, it ain't all that much and they get so much credit for so little. Totally not fair.

Trust me, gals, take your time, ask those questions and realize that a guy with potential can learn to kiss good too.

Layers of Worry

2006-11-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

This whole land contractee leaving has set off a sprint into financial disaster and I am so tired of worrying about it all. Making those past payments have just killed my already nonsufficient budget and to make matters worse, Christmas is coming so soon!

My lack of motivation may be just my shock at just how bad it has gotten and I am in a frozen state of "OMG, How will I ever dig myself out of this one???!!??" I have stopped answering my phone for the most part and since I have several applications out there, I allow Brooke to answer calls. She started off just wanting to answer the phone, but then I saw how wonderful it was for her to hang up on the bill collectors without me ever having to hear their voices. Basically, if she doesn't hear anything after saying "Hello", she says it one more time, then hangs up and tells me, "Nobody dare". I have gotten all too familiar with that long pause before the collectors ask for us. Thank Goodness Brooke does not have the patience to say "hello" four or five times cause that is the average amount of times before they connect usually.

Thirty nine years old, umemployed, sinking in debt ....this is not the life I imagined at all. Hell, it could not be further from it. Why did bad luck have to be such a big part of my life and how do I turn that around? What now? Should I hop on a plane to another country? Why am I so afraid of planes??? These are among the gazillion questions that go through my mind all day, every day. I'm so tired.

Thank God for my great friends, wonderful children and my ability to go numb in a crisis. Without those things, I am not sure I could make it. I still have high hopes for 2007. I'm such a sucker!

When Boredom Sets In....

2006-11-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

My motivation is still on critically low. The problem is that when you feel like doing nothing, you can get quite bored. As I sit without the will to do anything too physical, I have found creative ways to occupy my time.

The other day I tore gum wrappers into tiny strips and braided them, but yesterday I went to search my adult ADD....yes, again, that I am convinced I have whenever this particular mood hits, and when you start any search with "adult", you get some interesting sites. I found horny matches.com and that became a good hour or two of looking for people in my area, trying to recognize anyone that would be so....ummm...weird and horny to post a picture and ask for sex.

Unfortunately, most of the profile pics are of a certain area that I would not easily recognize the person unless I had a lights on, passionate fling with them. But some posted pictures of their other head and I still did not seem to know anyone. It was hours of fun and fascination just reading profiles though. I highly recommend this activity for a rainy day.

While talking with some friends, I analyzed why men are so icky when it comes to sex. We discussed why they would get the idea that posting a picture of their nekkid package would actually turn a women on, cause that thing goes inside for a good reason....so you don't have to look at it for too long!! Sorry, guys, it just ain't perty. But those adult sites always have this theme of "Look at this trashy, scumbag, ho' get it from both ends". I mean, what the hell is that and why is that so sexually exciting to men? I cannot imagine going to a porno site to look at men that was all.."Look at this homeless, toothless, unemployed, bastard get penis ambushed." Nope, not making me hot at all.................In fact, pass the bucket NOW!

Today's boredom activity: Pogo spades and then maybe a nap. And maybe, just, maybe...another browse through horny matches...I did get quite a few winks on my fake profile that gave "prefer not to answer" to every single question. Guys seem to like brainless girls, especially if they are also, like, you know, shameless sluts too.

Free AOL Sucks

2006-10-30T09:51:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to vent about that, cause it does truly suck. My web pages will not open, everything is slow, I lose connection and I feel like I am back on dial up. Me. Don't. Like. Free. AOL.

I ended up going as a (drum roll), WITCH!! Old habits die hard. I bought a vampire outfit, half off, but when I came home and put it on I looked more like a street walker than a vampire and I was just not going to be comfortable that exposed. Cleavage flooding out at the top, way too much thigh showing and the form-fitting black spaghetti strap dress under the cape was just a little too revealing for a mom of four. But, damn, I did look hot for a street walker! Note to self...possible career change??...... NOT.

It was an okay night. I may have remembered more if I had not been pressured into several shots. I may be glad I did not remember more because I crossed that line in drinking where all comments seem perfectly acceptable and appropriate and where doing the thriller dance behind the bar seemed okay... and forgetting most of that is probably best for me. Best for everyone.

Yesterday reminds me of why I do not get drunk anymore. The headache, lazy, do nothing, miserable hangover that follows is rarely worth it and in this case, was totally NOT worth it.

I have been thinking a lot as I will be soon approaching the (gulp) 40 year mark and I am really ready to be the person I wanted to grow up to be..the one with a great job, confidence, self-esteem, a relaxed attitude and just a healthy and happy person. I may be overshooting, but I could get a bit closer than I am right now.

Bob had a nasty, icky eye infection which means that now I have a nasty, icky eye infection and, in the future will mean, one or more children in this house will have a nasty, icky eye infection...and I resent him for bringing this into the house, especially as I sit here with my eyes itching and burning, but I appreciate his antibiotic eye drops that I have now confiscated.

I left this morning, after dropping Brooke of at school, to go work on the last few things at the house that still need finished, but it was cold in there and, instead, I walked around looking at things, feeling totally unmotivated and decided to come home and chill out while I could.

I think I will start working on that "new me" thing tomorrow........

Update: I just went to yahoo and saw my horoscope......

"There is a difference between being observant and being whiny. If you see something wrong and can find suggestions on improving it (or can act on your ideas and solve the problem), then you are an observant. But if all you do is point fingers and complain about things without offering any alternatives, you are just a whiner. You can see what needs to be done today, so go out and do it. You will inspire all the whiners in the world to shut up and join you in a solution"

It may ring true today, but, damn, that was harsh. Especially that "You can see what needs to be done, just go out and do it" bullshit. And is it really MY job to inspire all whiners in the WORLD?? (Two waves and a snap) I think not!

Did I just become the Queen of the Whiners?

Worthless Rambling.........

2006-10-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

I have been working on the house everyday, between thinking about the house every minute and if it will sell or if it will sit there forever unoccupied.

The guy laying the carpet was highly interested in the house and took a tour and I was all excited til he said SOME very bad words..."LAND CONTRACT!!".

I went to the game last night where it rained and was freezing, but was all worth it when Prince and his friends joined the tailgate party and brought back some of the best memories ever. We got our asses kicked, and at halftime the party was cheering "Ryan , Ryan, Ryan!!", cause they wanted him to suit up and save the game....still the hometown hero, yet still getting screwed at W&J.

I want to make shirts for the last game for the entire family that say, "
My son was (picture of screw)'ed at W&J ". With my parents wearing one that says Grandson, Uncles and Aunts wearing one with nephew...you get the idea. I think the prospective recruits should see the real deal....donate big bucks or ride the oak.

I am getting so bitter in my almost 40's.

Tonight is the Halloween party and I have nothing to wear. As a child my mom always bought me a witch costume, cause she said I already had the ratty dark hair and junk,but as years pass and my new bitter thing emerges, I could just wear my regular clothes and go as a witch......I need something different. I may go costume hunting and if that fails, I will just go as a miserable, worn out, had enough of everything bitch from hell...a.k.a. ...myself.

The Problem with Greeting Cards

2006-10-20T14:19:00.000-04:00

I sit at the half way mark of another non-productive day of following toddler orders and thinking a bit too much about, well, everything.

I had a dream I was pregnant last night, and though that may seem nightmarish enough, what I wake up to these days is generally worse. Trying to work out the 30 some impossible issues at one time in my life. I did get a call from my Dad highlighting each and every one and how screwed I am. Thanks, Dad!!

This leads me to another train of thought.... When you are standing in the store trying to find NOT even the perfect card for someone, but one that merely applies in some small way. They don't make cards that say, "On your birthday, Dad, I am reminded of how you always called to share the negative side of things. Thanks for always showing me how bad it could really be." or "Mom, You have always failed to watch my kids as you have been too busy watching the children of my siblings. Sorry, I will not make it to your adult celebration, I do not have a sitter. Have a wonderful Birthday!".

There are always these cards that make you feel that other people had such a wonderful experience with relatives. The spouse ones are a joke too and I have yet to see one say, "Get off your lazy ass and do something besides watch football". They could even make it sort of nice, like "Even though you never get off your lazy ass and do anything, I will continue to survive this nightmare where you seem perfectly content and I am on the verge of snapping. And I thank you for never noticing that, cause I don't really feel like talking about it anyway. Sigh, Happy Birthday!!"

Okay, yes PMS is brewing and yes, I'm a bit dramatic but it feels good right now.

So, as I do with my greeting selections, I will say "I hope your day is everything you hoped for....." , something generic like that and I will go back to thinking again. I predict I will not be much fun the next few days. Hormones, people, back off!

One FLU over the Cuckoo's Nest

2006-10-17T10:23:00.000-04:00

Brooke is sick, has been sick since Friday night and is still sick. Sick, sick, sick. High fever and now, a stuffy, alternating runny nose thingy. She pointed at her nose this morning, crying, "Dis don't work, dis stuck.".

So, we start the cold and flu season with a bang...YAY!!

Her fever has been quite high and from much experience with kids and fevers and flus and colds and pukey-itises, I started thinking day five on a fever seems a bit long. They usually have the fever thing two days, three days tops. She will not eat at all and just spends most of the day crying in my bed, her bed, or on the couch. She will see her doctor at one this afternoon and that is good for two reasons, first, maybe they can make my angel feel better and second, maybe they can stop my sure spin into insanity from all the crying.

It has gone something like this... Day One- "Oh, sweetie, you are so hot. Mommy hold you." Day Two- "My baby still doesn't feel good, awwwwwwww, mommy hugs." Day Three-"It is okay, princess, don't cry, Mommy is here." Day Four-(Me with "in shock and worn out look). "Okay, honey, crying will only make it worse, you will be okay". Day Five-"Take your medicine and please, please, please, stop cryingggggggggg" (I run to different floor to let out long growl and recollect).

I have learned one thing about myself in all this...I am only good for about three days of someone else's illness, then I'm ready for several shots of tequila, a nanny and possibly a long rest at a lovely mental hospital.

To make matters worse, Travis was all cranky and no one can ever do enough for him and he verbalized that often , and Cassie was in major PMS mode and all her loud ranting was intensified by the crying, non-stop weeping in the background.

I would like to be fitted for my new straight jacket now. Do you have anything in blue? It brings out my eyes.

Testing...Testing... 1, 2, 3 year old.

2006-10-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

Parts of having a three year old I remember. Other parts I have forgotten or locked away in the depths of my mind for protection from the horror of it. It is starting to come back to me, that realization that daycare sounds like a nice break, a fabulous concept, a mental health necessity....just a BRILLIANT idea!!

My darling, princess is driving me NUTS!! She follows me everywhere, wants to do everything I am doing, has fits when she can't, has fits for no reason, cries about anything just slightly off what she had in mind and is starting that "testing" phase BIG TIME.

"Brooke, put the knife down.".

"NOOOOOO!".

Hmmmmmm.

Then follows the battle of wits between a grown woman and a 3 year old. You can almost hear the western music and see the wind blowing the dry dust around us as we are staring at one another, guns drawn in a face off of who is going to outlast the other. Will Brooke finally obey before mom runs out of the energy it takes to be consistant and mean what she says.

She begins by raising the volume, I respond by being more assertive with my "put it down". Then she pulls the emotional blackmail. "Don't be mean at me!". But it doesn't stop there. Even at three they learn to pull the "You don't love me anymore". Mom is starting to feel her heart well up with "Yes, I do, sweetie, here take the knife and look, there is a drawer full of more knives! I do love you. Have them all if it the only way I can not scar you from believing I do not love you, my precious baby!!"!!". But no!! Shake it off, you can stand strong here. And so the battle takes awhile and most of your much needed enregy and you prevail in the end.

Then, when things calm down, you hold them close, stroke their hair, tell them wonderful things about how great they are and how much you love them, buy them a sucker, read a book, play a game, anything, because even though you got that knife out of her hands.... you're still trying to pull the knife out of your own heart. The one that said, "You don't love me anymore".

House of Blues

2006-10-13T09:21:00.000-04:00

I have been kind of working at the house and kind of avoiding it, because it seems really cruel that I had to clean it, paint it, shampoo the carpets, etc just seven short months ago. Also, at that time, I was cleaning and cleaning and cleaning the house we were moving into cause, damn, it needed a good cleaning and painting and updating.

Yet, here I am, having to deal with this house again, a house with, what seems like 7 years worth of filth and stink. The doggie odors are ever present but still fading slightly as I try different products. Right now I have odor absorbing crystals all over the basement floor. I keep imagining that I will walk downstairs and the small crystals will be as big as golf balls with all that stench.

The painting is close to be finished and then we will move on to fixing little issues here and there and hopefully, (I say this as though it could actually happen) it will sell and I will finally be out from under this house of horrors. I , so, sooooooooooo, need something good to happen, cause otherwise, I may start really believing it never does where I am concerned.

I never heard anything about the job I tested for a week or so ago and I sort of get the feeling when I hear it will be a nice little rejection letter in the mailbox.

This is my new approach. I usually think with possibility, as though it could happen. I am always wrong. Maybe if I think the house will never sell and the job is not mine that I will be wrong again. Highly doubtful, but worth a try.

Tonight is the homecoming game and Kelly is on the court, so I will be spending most of my weekend taking pictures. It will start at the high school tonight and end sometime tomorrow night as they drive off to dinner. Ryan also plays at 2pm in Washington, or should I say "not plays", so I will probably have to skip that game because shooting photos of Travis and Kelly would be so much better for me than shooting coaches. Well, at least in the long run.

Relationships

2006-10-11T10:16:00.000-04:00

Travis and Kelly will celebrate their three year anniversary on Monday. It all started with a homecoming date and has grown into a three year relationship, that baffles me on a daily basis.

They like each other still and they never seem to fight or go through the drama of relationships I remember when I was 15-18 years old. They trust one another, do things together, do things with their friends and everything is in beautiful balence.

I don't get it.

By the three year mark, should there not be those little things that annoy you so bad you want to stick needles in your own eye? Shouldn't they be comfortable enough with each other by now to take out all anger and bad moods on one another even when the other has nothing to do with it? Should they not be blaming each other for junk going wrong in their own life by now. The maturity of it all is just too much for me...can this possibly be a way of life in the real world? Could something like this last????

Now, Cassie and Skylar, this is a relationship that I get. Though it is a best friend thing and not a couple thing, they do the things I better understand. They stick up for one another with fierce loyalty, yet they come down on one another harder than anyone else. They get mad at one another and lash out with mean words and will stop speaking briefly, but come back closer than ever when it is all said and done. They share everything and then occasionally throw those things right back into the face of the confessor.

Their freindship started when Cassie was maybe four years old, that makes ten years and many marriages don't last that long. This is the friend she talked to about every phase of growing up from dreaming of being a singer at eight years old to dreaming of being married someday to her latest crush. This is the person she has laughed with and cried with, and all emotions inbetween they have always shared.

I guess when it comes to relationships, you seek out what works for you or sometimes the exact opposite of that. If you are a fighter, you find another fighter. If you are emotional, you either find someone emotional or someone that can comfort you when you become TOO emotional.

Travis and Kelly are just people that take life for what it is, are responsible and practical, don't need to find drama and over excitement to make it through the day, and enjoy one another without looking for what is missing.

Cassie and Skylar are people that live for the drama, the emotion and the chaos of life. They can create it from nothing and commonly do. They need to ride a wave to feel alive, they crave the confusion, need the distraction, and feel restless when things are a bit too quiet.

I fall somewhere inbetween. I am naturally like Cas and Sky, but I strive to be more like Travis and Kelly. I want that smooth sailing, but not so smooth that you can't catch a wave every so often just to jazz things up a bit.

The Shit House

2006-10-07T12:19:00.000-04:00

Land Contratee has officially moved out and was generous enough to leave behind some stuff for us. Stuff, meaning piles of dog shit in the basement. The smell coming up through the house, from the basement, is ...WOW, I can't find the words to explain how completely nasty and overwhelming the smell is and how you have to pull your shirt up over your nose to stay inside for more than 30 seconds.

We have bleached the basement about four times now and the smell has changed from unbearable to highly stinky, but we are making progress. Getting the giant stock pile in the corner out is helping, since "we" missed that the first time around. ("We" as in Bob did the initial cleaning and swore it was very thorough...yeah, uh huh, okay.....) Naturely, I had to take over. What else is new?

It has been a busy few weeks of birthday parties, working, testing for the job I applied for, interviews, cleaning up doggie do do, shampooing carpets, dealing with Brooke's unwillingness to go to school cause she is still traumatized, ordering the tux and flowers for homecoming, fixing Travis's car, trying to find time to get to the other house to get it ready to be put on the market, darts, dodging collection calls, missing Ryan, and on and on. I am in need of a vacation and a good two hours in pogo spades, but have yet to find a way to do either.

I should be at the house painting or doing something constructive, but I imagine we will lay around watching football until we have to go to a friend's anniversary party and then off to work til 3am. Yippee! I got in some practice last night when Rod came for a visit and we drank some beer and chatted til 330am. So, time for phase one, football...Brooke is ready to go!!

Brookie Monster Strikes Again

2006-10-02T21:03:00.000-04:00

Hell, I mean, Circus Day.

It seemed all good, the circus day, that later made Brooke NEVER want to return to school again, but there was some proof already that the day was not so fun after all..............

She looked happy enough when she was hugging Daddy good-bye, but look at her cautious stance while looking at the other kids. SHE WAS TRAUMATIZED!!!!

Upon returning home, she wanted some play clothes on and she was ready to not be dressed up anymore. I believe she was still thinking about being TRAUMATIZED here....

But then I was getting a hint, after acting a fool to try and make her laugh, of a smile just dying to break free.

Yup, a little bit of candy, rolling in the grass and just acting silly can make all the bad stuff go away.

It always works for me.............

PMS-The Manic Kind.

2006-09-27T15:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I started cleaning and doing laundry at 730 am and was still at it at 1030pm. I even washed clean clothes cause they had a few wrinkles and why bother...just wash'em again...

I am just mere days away from paying my monthly bill and this PMS can be very productive. Unfortunately, a day like yesterday is rare and is usually followed by "I am tired as hell, don't ask me to do ANYTHING!!". (Of course this is followed by me explaining in detail everything I did yesterday to audience members that do not care). (Of course this is followed by me telling everyone that I work and work and no one CARES!!).

Brooke did not go to school today. She did not go Monday either because since last Friday's "circus day" she is totally freaked out. I so needed her to go school today, but instead we went shopping and to McDonald's for breakfast. Then, upon the teacher's suggestion, we sat and waited for her classmates to be released. Then they took her to her classroom and gave her their little craft projects from Monday and today to complete at home. Then the little neighbor girl came over and they screamed and fussed over all the toys, she took Brooke's crackers, Brooke cried, the girl left, then she cried some more and come to think of it...she is still crying.

I have darts tonight and, though, I should see it as a GIANT break and a way to escape this crying...it just seems like something I have to do and I already told you all, "Don't ask me to do ANYTHING!!"

E-mailing Tourettes

2006-09-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

Well, Ryan is still not playing at Washington and Jefferson College as was promised in many kiss up attempts by several coaches during the recruiting process and during the past year.

The first week he was told that he and the other QB would take two series each. He got one series after the 2 from the other QB, that got to start, btw, and then he got in there, scored a TD on a QB keeper and was never put back in. Even after the other guy threw TWO interceptions. Hmmmmm.

Next game they tell him he is definitely "starting" and that they will probably, again, rotate a bit, but he will get most of the game. He not only DOESN'T start, he gets about 3 minutes total playing time, with two of those minutes being the last drive of the game.

The next week the coach has a meeting with the two QBs and says, "This is what we are going to do, you guys will bring in the plays and rotate each and every play". Ryan rotates in the first series, then is taken out for the rest of the game.

Last week Ryan did not show up at Monday films and was pretty broken about being lied to, not being given an opportunity no matter how well he has performed in his limited plays thus far and just tired of the whole business. A new coach IMs hims to see what the issue is and encourages Ryan to talk to the head coach. Ryan does, he does NOT quit the team and is told he cannot promise how much time either will get, but stay with us and blah, blah, blah. This past Saturday, we learned how much time he got...ZERO, NIL ,NOTTA, NOTHING!

So, after each of these games, I cannot help myself.... I write letters to the coaching staff like like some crazy ass, stage mom. I do not curse or name call, though one of the coaches I dislike is a fat bastard piece of shit and the other is a fungus growing in a dumpster, I still maintain class while expressing my displeasure with the outcome...just little sentences, made with limited restaint, show my unhappiness in a pretty clear way.

They do not respond, they do not acknowledge said e-mails and they do not change anything because of them. I did get to talk to one of the coaches and he was all "Yeah, we think he is about ready to start., we are just working on a few drops..." and then smiles and gives me a thumbs up, like all is well and all the while I am thinking about where he can stick that thumb!

It does not matter how old your baby is, whether he is 8 months or 19 years old, when someone wrongs your baby, you get PISSED! Especially when they talk your baby into giving up several full rides to attend their far more superior college that costs 37,000 a year, 15,000 a year that you will take on in debt after all the grants and fake aid they come up with to get you to commit. Cause he is soooooooooo going to get the greatest job ever as a graduate of this college and those icky state degrees are just not worth the paper they are printed on......and here he is guarenteed three years of being the starting QB and those D1 schools prolly just want him for the scout team cause he is so athletic and he may never really start, but here, yes, here, he will be an all-american three years running, no doubt and pick us..PICK US!!!!! The moon and stars?? Okay, we will give him that to, just PICK US!!!

He was told he was the most aggressively recruited player for then ever and then we meet the other QB's parents who tell us the tale of their son being the most aggressively recruited player ever and then we see the parents of an incoming freshman who say they are so excited for their son and they really wanted him cause they said he was the most aggressively recruited player ever!! OMG, get a new line, parents talk, fat bastard!!

And so now I sit on Monday thinking I am done with this crap, I am not going to say another word to those idiots and then Saturday will come, they will make him feel bad again, leave him on the sidelines, and my disease will once again take hold and the e-mail tourettes will likely show up again on Sunday..............

Well, I am getting so fired up, the disease could worsen and I might say shit.....or damn...or hell....or FAT BASTARD!!!!

I need an intervention.

Snotty, Coughy, Chest Cold

2006-09-23T11:52:00.000-04:00

I started a cold about ten days ago that made my head feel like it weighed 100 pounds and my notrils were totally shut down. No nose breathing led to a killer sore throat. Then it finally started opening up a few days later and it turned into a chest cold, but I could breath!

Now, just as I thought I was getting over it, it came back last night full force, all cold symptoms engaged from the annoying couch attacks, alternating stuffy/running nose, sore throat, chest congestion, eyes watering and sinus pressure causing a killer face/head ache.

I have a bunch of junk to do today and because I slept maybe three hours last night, in broken up spans, I feel like doing nothing at all. Bob is all on this hyper jag, yelling at everyone, fake cleaning and acting all put out with my lack of movement. I may launch an attack on him with my pile of snot rags before day's end.

I have to work this evening at a place I cannot bring myself to discuss because it humiliates me and because during my first day there someone kept asking me, "Why are you HERE??? Aren't you, like, smart??".

Apparently not.

Bob's Turn at Memory Lane

2006-09-22T09:14:00.000-04:00

Not sure how old he is in this picture, but I assume old enough to be embarrassed to be wearing the plaid suit, though the smile indicates otherwise. Did they not have garanimals back then? Also, notice the fresh comb down, cause back then, on picture day, they gave you that little black comb in line.

I bet they thought they looked really groovy on this night. He may have even told her what a fox she was and how her new Dorothy Hamil cut was, well, really groovy and foxy. Can you not just hear "stayin' alive, stayin' alive" in the background?

Do I spot the same burgandy shirt from prom? Pretty slick. I think it showed great intelligence to not wear that funky pocketed jacket thing twice. Of course the prom was after the senior picture, so maybe he didn't have those groovy threads just yet. Yeah, nevermind that intelligence thing, lets talk about the brownish yellow dead grass on the old dirt road background, umm, was that the budget screen? Did you have to pay more for real outdoors with living greenery??

My parents spared no expense and I was really outside. They obviously, however, denied me the hot oil treatment I so deperately needed.

Speaking of Blast From the Past.....

2006-09-21T12:39:00.000-04:00

Okay, how funny and absolutely scary is that?

Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven____.

I remember back in the ol'days when my mom used to drag me out of bed on Saturday mornings to attend dance class. I would protest and she would tell me I had to finish what I started. She was NOT paying all that money for me NOT to go!!!

But back in the ol'days all the good cartoons were on and ONLY on Saturday mornings! It wasn't a hard choice after a few years of dance class to realize that cartoons were much more important to me, also the teacher told me my back was not limber and she thought the gymnastics thing was a "never gonna happen" for me.

So, there I was ,again, happy as a clam with all my favorite cartoons and the Banana Splits.

La, la, la La, la, la ,la La, la, la, la , la ,la ,la

One banana, two banana.....

Wow, did I just age myself or what?? Saturday mornings were the shit though back then. We had little choice on what to watch and it was actually a good thing. Tweleve channels and always something to watch, instead of the 200 channels now and not a damn good thing on.

My dancing career ended suddenly, but my love for a good cartoon still carries on. They even made them with humor for us grown ups from the 70's and 80's. So, now you can sit with your toddler and actually enjoy the show.

Oops, gotta run. Sponge Bob is coming on!!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea...........

Reruns for Syd..........

2006-09-20T09:34:00.000-04:00

Ryan.............

Travis....

Brooke...

Cassie....

Blast from the past!!!!

By the way, just for you, it always amazes me how our connection stands the test of time and how the very morning I write about you......... that evening you call. All that static in the backgorund is just noise...we are still fabulous, Ms. Peebody!!!

Mon Prince, Don't Give Up On Paris.

2006-09-19T11:46:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish you could open the book of your life and rewrite certain chapters? I think of choices I made that seemed to not be such a big deal, but looking back changed the entire course of my life. I remember having the opportunity to go to Paris and then backing out for some stupid reason, probably because I could not stand to leave some forgetable boyfriend for twelve days, who knows, but whatever the reason was, it was not a good enough reason.

Maybe it is mid-life, thinking about directions you have taken and how maybe a trip to Paris would have heald some inspiration that changed everything. I was supposed to go to college in Virginia. Me and my best friend from high school would live together, me going to Old Dominion and her going to a court stenographer school . We sat for hours on end, planning our future far from where we were, leaving this depressed area and living a life that was one adventure after another. I, again, stayed and went to college in state, because of, what else, my boyfriend.

There are just moments in time where you know that what you turned away from took you to a place of no return. Unfortunately, you only see that years after the fact. Ryan seems to be in one of these moments and it has caused me to really examine mine. It makes me wanna be there to keep him on the path I believe he wants to take, and yet part of life, a giant part, is making those mistakes. And, so, for better or for worse, you are faced with decisions and impacts and you do the best you can, you try and recover, you grow older, you think too much and you want to help your kids understand the importance of decisions and how they should go for everything they ever wish to have out of this life.

And every so often, you think about being young and what Paris would have been like.

The Playmates

2006-09-17T19:57:00.000-04:00

Brooke has made some new friends. They live across the street, at least that is their legal address. By time spent, it should be our address. OMG, they will not go away. (You know that one with the ex-wife face and her sister)

They showed up here at noon, they harassed the entire family for hours (8 hours, 23 minutes and 42 seconds to be exact), they handed me potatoes as I peeled them for dinner, they walked in on me peeing, they broke stuff, rearranged stuff, drug stuff over from their house, asked to eat stuff, when I said no they waited til I left the kitchen and made their own stuff, they asked for a weekend sleepover, hot dogs, chips, drinks, and Ryan even took off a little early just to get away from them.

You may wonder why we did not send them home. We did several times and that was followed by a Brooke fit and a Brooke "stopping of a fit" when they returned 2 minutes later, anyway. The older one opened the door every 30 seconds, once we insisted they must play outside, to give us a play by play and ask for more stuff. At one point, we were sitting in the living room and she started opening the door again to which Ryan yelled, "GO AWAY, CLOSE THE DOOR, GO HOME!!!!" Then she only opened the door to bother us every 2 minutes.

Ryan may be quitting the football team. His backside is sore from taking it up the ass since this season began. His coach is a lying stack of horse shit and I almost hate him as much as that older little girl that plays with Brooke. Yeah, it is almost that bad.

We are still waiting to see if crazy, "bitch", land contractee will actually leave the house. I have her in my cell phone under that name. She is listed right under "ass", the mortgage company guy and "a low life", the land contractor that never pays her escrow.

Because I am a forgiving type person, I decided that if I win the lottery, cause I so am going to someday..that I will send them both 50,000 bucks in an invitation to kiss my ass.

The Doomsters

2006-09-12T19:05:00.000-04:00

I feel like being close to me must certainly be a burden. I am either talking about cleaning up after a disaster or freshly entering one. My poor friends are, all, it will work out, see it is working out now, and then, OMG, When did THAT happen???? It might be funny if was not so, well, not funny at times.

Anyway, the tradition continues with Cassie. It is a curse, I tell ya! She has these two crazy girls that pick on her constantly, call our home, write mean things to her whenever she pops online and one of of them made a really bad myspace pretending to be her. So, being the parents that do not want to run to the school with issues that are not happening in school, we offered her several ways to deal with it and we carry on. Then, last week one of the girls brought her mom in to school complaining about Cassie bothering HER daughter and then the other one did it today. Cassie is all in shock and the school called to tell me that they have a feeling these two girls "may be lying and tend to be trouble makers". No, really???

It is striking Ryan as well. His football career at the place that promised him everything under the sun has turned on a dime and regardless of how well he plays, they take him out and treat him all third class, second string-like. He also just seems to be stuck between pure shock and WTF??

I hate that we passed this strange curse to our offspring. Like me, they get into this attitude of "it will all work out", "no biggie" and "we'll get through it, we always do". Our life sort of follows "every silver lining has a black cloud" instead of vice versa.

It is like during tax return time. We get all happy we have a few extra dollars, then the cars breaks down, a water pipe busts, and we get some crazy gas bill. We look at our account go back to nothing and say, "Well at least we had the money to take care of it, I guess". But lately, I am seeing another side of positive. The side that does not F'in exist!!! The side that hasn't done shit for me!!! The side that can Pollyanna my ass!!

Oh, well. I'm sure it will all work out in the end. That is better than the alternative,I guess. (defeated sigh).

The BB finale is tonight. Seeing Kaysar will make it all better, if only for an hour. Or I could end up pissed, like ever year, that it is only an hour long and I am so wrapped up in what happens to these freakin' weirdos that I get mad that they leave me hanging with major lack of information!!

Shit Creek

2006-09-11T11:06:00.000-04:00

Well, the land contractee promised me the money on Friday, never showed up and then after I violently beat on her door Saturday morning(she never answered), she called and said she would be out by the end of the month. Now I get to go clean up someone else's mess again and try and get that house in shape for resale. Sigh...... My life is even making me speechless lately.

I feel so anxious from all the crap. I mostly want to sleep and deal with nothing. I had the flood of tears erupt on my way to Ryan's game Saturday and had to turn around until I could make their involuntary attack stop. The tears did stop and I went to the game. Ryan got a touchdown and was rewarded by being taken out of the game. We can't have him showing up the other QB, apparently. I miss the tears now, as they have been replaced with the inability to cry and instead I have a weight on my chest that makes it hurt to breath, my legs and arms tremble a lot and I can't seem to stop them and I just want to wake up from this nightmare. You can only try to be positive, despite the constant chaos, for just so long...til your mind and body are just not buying that everything will be okay anymore.

I will roll with the punches, but this one may leave a few scars. I just have to carry on and do the best I can to get the house sold and not sink under all the stress. Life goes on and I have to jump back in eventually, preferably after about 72 hours of sleep.

Holy Mother of Christian Pre-School

2006-09-06T12:15:00.000-04:00

We took Brooke for her first day. She was a bit cranky from being woken up at 815am, she was bossy, not cooperating with getting her hair combed, refusing breakfast, and whining while getting dressed. I, of course, forgot to buy the gallon ziploc that I must label and insert her drink box and snack each day. I even forgot the drink box and snack and had to make an emergency trip to the store. I'm all organized like that. I forgot to get the regular-sized bookbag and sent her with a half sized one. The other kids were all proudly sporting their backpacks that started at the top of their heads and ended at the back of their knees....note to self, get with it!!

So. we take her in and I am not feeling anything too emotional during the traffic jam walk down the stairs, nor the jammed up hallway or classroom. I direct her to an empty seat and BAM, choked up with tears, totally freakin' can't stop 'em tears are getting ready to explode from my eyes!! But, no!! She cannot see this, I must make a fast exit. Bob is already sensing it and places his hand on my back, gently pushing me, then aggressively urging me out the door. I make my escape without completely making a fool of myself and instead do that in the parking lot while other people are passing me to drop of their children. It doesn't help that I am in my giant t-shirt, grey sweats, period outfit, especially when Bob informs me of a spot of blood on the back of me. It becomes more clear to me everyday that my childhood, the one where proper people raised me to have some class was all in my imagination and I was truly raised by cave people. The uncombed, crazy, bedhead hair only further confirms it.

The two and a half hours passed by slowly today and we left ten minutes early to pick her up to find children starting to exit. We walked up to the door and some parents in front of us where greeted by their waiting three year old with hugs and a giant smile of relief, like "Yay!! Mommy and Daddy!!". Brooke sees us and backs up the stairs, as though her torturers have found her once again and OMG NOOOOOO!! She says, "I stay at school!". The teacher's jaw drops, Bob and I share a panicked look cause we so know that a graceful exit is not gonna happen and this will involve a forceful carry out of the fitting toddler. We were so right and the fit continues for a block til we reach the car where she lay on the sidewalk begging us to go home so she can go back to school. Parents pass, surely making judgements about why a child is so reluctant to leave with her parents and I fear the state will be at the door soon. I shake in horror thinking about Friday at 1125am.

W get in the car and I ask, "Why do we have such weird offspring?". He shrugs as we compare the 2 each we had from previous marriages and how they were so normal and these two we created are so bad for our parent rep. We should be seasoned pros, when did we lose control? It sucks to retire on a losing season.

Speaking of which, my dad calls all pissed about Ryan's lack of playing time and insists he must be released, he is calling the coach right NOW cause he is all spazzy like that. He practically hangs up on me, Bob hurries to call back to talk him out of it, I call Ryan to warn him and Ryan is laughing so hard he can hardly respond. This immediately puts me at ease and all is well on that front...Dad did not quit for Ryan.

The little four year old that comes daily and eats all our food is asking for some food right now and her striking resemblence to Bob's ex-wife is starting to give me nightmares. They have the exact same face..EXACT!! What are the odds?? I find it hard to look at her because it starts making me feel like I am in some unreal dimension where adult faces are on toddler-like bodies and it is some freakish invasion. If a toddler Aunt Dee Dee shows up, I am so outta here!

Check up

2006-09-05T10:38:00.000-04:00

Miss Brooke had her 3 year check up 5 months late because it was required before she started pre-school tomorrow. Nothing like waiting til the last minute.

She in the 97th percentile for height. Is there any limits to what my genes can do??? They produce tall girls in spite of a dad with near dwarfism, they had to take most of the burden on intelligence and all those good looking children did not take after daddy! (Poor Bob, the PMS force is strong with me). Unfortunately, as good as they have done in those ways, they are also to blame for several neurosis type behaviors as well. But being a bit weird is perfectly acceptable if you are also realy cute.

Brooke was really good at her appointment and pointed to pictures of houses and circles and did her job well in making us look good. I forgot that giant feeling of pride when the doc is all looking at this little human, checking charts, looking in ears, eyes and mouth, and making you feel like, damn, she is perfect! Good job, parents! She looked so cute too in that little Cat in the Hat paper, noisy robe thingy. She liked that robe so much she ordered us to bring it home and Bob, knowing the consequences of not following orders (I credit myself for that one) promptly folded it up neatly and stuck it under his arm.

By the way, I never mentioned that I did get the dog back that day. I found it hiding from me on the porch of that place it always goes. I yelled for her, she not only ignored me, but tried to look invisible by ducking down and backing behind a pillar. I left, hurt from the rejection and sent Travis to fetch her. I felt maybe we were just not the home for her if she was so into those other people, but then she got loose a few days later and just ran to the front of the house, I walked out and she ran up to me all playful like and wagging her tail. It made me feel better Better as in "HA!!!! I win!!".

The land contractee and I had a long talk, that consisted mostly of me talking, well yelling, and she is supposed to get the money right to me this afternoon. Since 99.9 percent of what she says never happens, I am not holding my breath. I am ready for round two though. She ruins my finances, but she ain't so bad during PMS, the aggression I was able to unload was very satsifying and offered Bob the rare opportunity to not be the number one target for a few hours.

I think it is safe to say, he secretly thanks her too.

Bum, bum, bum bum..........

2006-09-04T16:54:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if it the fact that Ryan was wronged Saturday in his game, that Brooke is now up to 6 full hours of tantruming per day, that I still do not have a payment from land contractee or that land contractor has not paid the escrow part for over four months, but I just wanna crawl in a hole and never come out.

PMS is certaining appearing and will only make matters worse for the next few days. I know this because Bob's chewing, walking, breathing, voice, ear hair, short, stubby toes and his entire existance is on my nerves so bad, I find it hard to breathe at times. It is not bad enough that it is all on my nerves, but there are only two ways to react, bitch or swallow the frustration. I have practiced both extensively today. They both suck.

Brooke, like clockwork, has arrived in one hell of a fit as I sit here writing. Which reminds me, for some reason, that we are out of toilet paper and um, low on bread. I would love to stay and help with this hairy tantrum, but seriously, we are out of toilet paper and all. Gotta run!!!!

School Days

2006-08-29T15:16:00.000-04:00

Ahh....Is there anything quite as wonderful as kids returning from a non-air conditioned school after the first day, being cranky, short and huffy?? To which I tolerated for a good 20 minutes before I blasted back with "WHATEVER!! GO AWAY!!"

Both Cassie and Travis had there little bundle of papers, the same papers I have been filling out for 15 years and will be filling out for 15 more.

I waited all patiently for wonderful stories about the excitement of the first day, who, over the summer, got fatter, thinner, prettier, uglier...you know, all the important stuff. But instead I got nothing but complaints. It is TOO HOT, it sucks, I hate this one teacher, I got yelled at for my shirt saying, "when in doubt, whip it out" and had to turn it inside out, and all the other crap.

Brooke and I went to Mcdonalds and then to the Dairy Queen. I felt both fatter and uglier after that. But apparently,no one cares about such things anymore.

The dog ran away again and no one has called yet to let us know where to pick her up. I am secretly praying it is not the place she went the last three times, cause that guy was so nice the first two times. After calling the third time in as many days and, then Bob deciding he should wait two hours til someone else got home and tell them to go pick up the dog, ah, not so nice that time. He showed up at our door and just sort of tossed the dog in and walked away all pissy. Wonder why?

It really hurts to lose pet owner of the year and mother of the year all in the same day.

I may still in the running for slumlord.

I Mean Bidness!

2006-08-28T13:25:00.000-04:00

I had to deliver a threatening, mean, eviction notice, new rules, abide or get the f out, letter to my land contractee from hell. I dropped it by her house this morning. The car was there and the dog, from an upstairs window, was going crazy as I walked up to the porch to put the said letter in mailbox.

What I saw was frightening. The dirty windows always bothered me, cause, like, clean the damn things, but there was the screen from the door all bent out of shape and hanging out onto the porch, siding falling off one side and hanging down, it was looking very ghetto. This only pissed me off more than I was already pissed to begin with and as I walked away, I did not re-secure the, now broken fence gate, with the rubber thingy, with a hook thingy, that now keeps it closed.

She obviously got the letter, because Bob was ordered to do a drive by and the large yellow envelope was no longer sticking out of the mailbox. Her car is now gone, as it generally is when the payment is due, her phone is still disconnected and her water bill has yet to be paid. Maybe she went to buy some windex. Probably not, though.

The kids start school tomorrow and though I had some sadness, mostly because I will be handling Brooke totally alone..I will miss those private ten minute runs to the store...but then Cassie is being Turbo, Mega Cassie today and I could not be happier that for six hours a day she will not be all up in my grill and shit.

Brooke has made a few friends from across the street. It seemed like a great idea until their crazy ass mom came to introduce herself and went on to tell me her entire life story and left with a little warning about Brooke having such long hair cause she keeps her daughter's hair short, easier to get rid of the lice...........OMG, by the way. Now they show up, ring the doorbell a lot, come in after I insist they stay out on the patio, ask for food, swimsuits, and come in every three minutes to give me a play by play of what they are doing now. The new friends suck.

Brooke will start pre-school on the 6th and they called about some orientation thing on Thursday night, to which I immediately thought, "On eviction night for BB, I don't THINK so!!"

I hope Bob has a good time there though.

Who Cares?

2006-08-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

Brooke wrote a song not long ago that goes something like this...

I don't know, I don't care

(double time) I don't know, I don't care, I don't know, I don't care

shut up!

At first it was just a funny little song that she giggled about singing and now I see the true genius in the lyrics. It applies to just about everything in life and can actually be the answer to any question someone asks you. Most of all, it is honest and to the point. I like that.

You can learn a lot from a three year old.

And just for fun I found pics of Cassie and her cous' growing up right before my eyes.....................

Where does the time go??? Sniff, sniff......

Are Ya Ready for Some Football........

2006-08-20T11:44:00.000-04:00

Ryan had his scrimmage last night and though I keep saying that I was not into football this year, I saw him suit up, take the field and there I was, all into it and cheering like a freak.

He is competing with another for the starting QB job and it was tense, as I crossed my fingers for him and listened to Bob whisper, "Throw an interception" when the other QB was out there. I had to explain the finer points of karma to Bob and he stopped that.

It rained on and off and when the lightening started they left the field, came back out when it stopped, left the field when it started again and came back out and then, mother nature made her point once more, in a violent way, and they went back in again after only playing half the game. The other QB threw two interceptions and never moved his offense to a score. Ryan threw zero interceptions and put his mark on the board. A QB keeper, he weaved his way into the endzone. SCORE!!

On a sadder note, the Steelers lost and I completely blame myself. I did not get to watch it,of course, because the prince was playing.

I only have so much power and karma to give and I just could not be there for 'em when the cutest kid on the whole team was out there applying for the big job.

When we were leaving to take Ryan out to eat, my parents pulled up beside us and my Dad said meet us at the same place we were already going for dinner! Yikes. No speak for two plus weeks with his passenger and, so as not to break the standoff, we all had pleasant conversation with everyone at the table, except each other.

Weird stuff, but the scallops were to die for!

The Joy of Cleaning

2006-08-16T10:33:00.000-04:00

My friend and I discussed the way, that when we were mere mortals of cleaning, we did not notice certain things actually being, umm...filthy.

Basically a clean house was everything being off the floor. I never even saw the kool-aid drips on a frig, the dust bunnies under the furniture, the yellow ring of "piss not flushed in a timely manner" inside the toilet, the cheerios in the corners of the kitchen or any of that "behind the scenes" dirt at all.

As you get deeper into the thirties, maybe your eye for filth improves somehow or maybe it is just that your life is filled with so many things that you cannot control, as in children, finances, lost dreams, boredom and the like, that you need something to feel as though you have accomplished anything. Any little task that you set out to do and can actually see the results, seem giant now. I realized this yesterday when, as each person came into the kitchen, I opened the frig and freezer door and excalimed, "Look, I beached it all out!! Look how clean it is!!!". Unfortunately, even my enthusiasm did not get them excited, about the spotless innards of my appliances one bit. How rude!

This disease takes hold of the laundry as well. I used to add detergent, stuff to beyond capacity and pull out the knob. Sometimes I even remembered to put them in the dryer before I had to repeat the wash, because I , like, forgot about it and now it smells like basement.

There was not a lot of fabric softener, dryer sheets or stain remover in my past. Now I go looking for new scents, new ways to remove stain products, and the loads are half the size they could be cause, "the clothes get cleaner that way". I'm a genius!! I give myself a pat on the back and try and show people Brooke's little white shirt that had a variety of condiments on it but now is glowing white!! Yipee!!

I watch my children's faces when they say they are inviting people over and I scream, "When??? The house is a mess!!" The poor naive souls say, "IT is NOT, it looks fine. Why do you think it is a MESS??" Ahh, if they only understood the dirt they will not see for some 15-20 years. It makes me tear a little from nostalgia.

Do I still let the house go and get 20's dirty? Hell yeah, and sometimes teenager filthy (if laundry is dirty long enough, it is clean again) when I am in a "screw this place and all of your messes" kind of mood. But more often, I find myself dusting, sweeping, and carry around my trusty bottle of windex which I use each time Brooke touches the sliding glass door with her sticky, adorable, little toddler hands.

And, so, it is a lonely joy, but I carry on with my new super powers of dirt detecting and sometimes, rarely, someone says, "Wow, the house looks nice", to which I reply "Don't mess it up and take those filthy shoes off!! You're are getting shit all over the kitchen floor I JUST mopped!!! Geezeeeeeee...Why do I even try........".

I have officially become my mother. God, help me.

Dis and Dat

2006-08-11T09:50:00.000-04:00

Kaysar is gone. And that's all I got to say 'bout that. (In my best Forest Gump voice).

I went to that job thingy, cause if you do not, they threaten to take away your unemployment. It wasn't so bad. Kind of like when you have a procedure done and you expect it to hurt SO bad and it only hurts bad.

I felt like a first grader when I was handed little note cards and had to stand up and place them in their proper slots and explain why. The even more humiliating part was when we completeed the elementary school activity, "teacher" gave us candy, peanut m&m's. I was waiting for the "What did you do on your summer vacation?" part, but we didn't get to do that.

She would ask lots of questions and we were expected to participate in the discussion. Since there was only two of us that showed up for class, I did not get to use my Arnold Horseshack techniques, "OHH, OHH!!" and unfortunately, it was quite obvious that, even though I had a 50/50 chance of getting it, that Frank, the 57 year old account, was teacher's pet.

After I left my school, I had to take Brooke to her new pre-school for sign-up and a little tour. I knew it was not going to be pretty when I explained to her over and over that it was not actually her starting school and staying, but her "visiting and leaving" today, when she keep saying, "We got to go see my friends at school and I say bye Mommy and you pick me up later, okay?".
"No, sweetie, this time we just meet teacher and then we go home, no kids will be there today."
"Okay, I got to see my friends and you leave and get me later."
T minus 20 minutes til tantrum, red alert ..red alert...prepare for tantrum....all nerves engage..prepare for holy hell.........

Needless to say, the rest of the afternoon was not pretty.

Today I have to get Ryan packed for his official return to college tomorrow morning, which should be fun cause Aunt Flo showed up and I am pretty much in my beach towel, wrapped around my body phase and this should continue well into tomorrow night. Yee Haw!

I am reading a new book about why I am so f'ed up and negative and junk and I think it is making me feel really negative and f'ed up. I think it might not be working.

Bob is taking the heat from the book reading, cause I am supposd to get that I matter too, which directly translates to me, that he no longer does. I think I am helping him understand that in loud and aggressive ways. It has to be done and , just like everything else around here, if I don't do it, nobody else will.

Travis is looking for a job and already spending his money before he has earned it and Cassie is stirring the pot as Cassie does, so at least something is running on it's regularly, programmed schedule.

The rest is like a box of chocolates............

To Kaysar

2006-08-08T08:51:00.000-04:00

My Dearest Kaysar,

They are evicting you. Meaning that three times a week we will no longer be able to meet as I watch my television and you smile and send secret love messages to me. I realize how upset you must be, but it never would have worked out between us anyway. The 2600 mile thing, the fact that I am 13 years older than you, and countless other reasons that will keep us apart make it a sad thing for both of us.

I am so sorry, that on your birthday, you will have to not only be dealing with being kicked out of the BB house, but that you will also see this and realize that it can never be.......... I will miss you. Sniff, sniff...

***************************************************************

Okay, back to the real world, but they are kicking out my Kaysar! I strongly dislike Dani and her "I am running this show" attitude and Marci with his whining, jealous, never-ending rants about the sovs and James, that no good trader and Erika flip-flopping with the powers that by....I hope they do a quad-eviction next week so I don't have to look at these evil, disgusting people anymore!

Breathing. I'll be fine.

Away from reality tv and back to true reality, Brooke is sick with some cold and fever thing. She was a monster yesterday and then, just for extra fun, woke up at 7 am today and two hours later, I am already exhausted. I am emotionally and physically spent this week and it is only Tuesday!

I lost my engagement ring this morning. I was holding Brooke on the couch in the rec room when I loosened it and it flung across the room. I have looked for it for half an hour and have had no luck in finding it. The thought of crawling on the floor, continuing the search. seems like too much work. I will try again later. Yawn.

Brooke has remembered that she had ice cream last night, that she finished, but now wants me to produce more..RIGHT NOW. This should begin the first crying point of the day that will carry on til her bedtime and change only in the reason to cry, the volume of crying and the amount of sanity I will be able to maintain. I'm starting out with very little today, so I figure my 10ish, I should officially be out of my mind.

Concerning yesterday's post, I am trying to work on a way to not care and not let this thing bother me and really mean it. I really want to stop living my life this way and being so vunerable to negative, crappy influences, that start out of my control, but grow worse once they enter my mind. At least I could do something about the second part.

I believe I am entering PMS today, so it may get worse before it gets better. Its a good thing I am used to that.

Fakin' it

2006-08-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

So, I am pretty annoyed wth everything, in general. But mostly I am annoyed with talking about or writing about things I am annoyed with right now. Meaning I have to dig deep to find anything to discuss, in any sort of positive way, and since that is nearly impossible, I must fake optimism.

I used to have a saying, that I not only put into action for myself, but repeated to others.."fake it til ya make it". So, in theory, if you pretend to be happy and content, somewhere along the line, you become just that without even realizing it. One day you are no longer faking anymore and it just becomes your new thought pattern. Trouble is, that negative stuff happens, you start getting annoyed again and then you start venting about it in cyberspace for no good reason. Thus, my bad patterns reappear.

I am really hurt by a recent event and every form of "fakin it" comes up short and makes it feel like NOT the right thing to do. When someone hurts you, where do you put that and how do you move on without feeling as though you have either made them think it was okay or you make them think you are not okay by flipping out? How do you find that place were you have respected yourself without causing more turmoil at the same time? Is it even possible?

It is like the school bully who picks on you. You react, meaning you fuel the fire and continue the abuse. You can fuel it with tears, retaliation, reasoning or just something as simple as showing reaction through body langauge or facial expressions, that you try hard not to have...and yet, even no reaction is a reaction. You become the joke and they get away with the bad behavior. People try to make you feel better about it by saying things like, "They have to be miserable themselves to do such things" and still, it doesn't matter cause it doesn;'t make you feel any better that they are still causing misery for you.

You spend your time thinking of the "right way to handle it" and every road leads to another bad decision and you get too caught up in it all and are too hurt to think clearly and you just can't find your way out anymore.

In family matters, things get even more complex. So complex, that it would be hard to cover it all in just one sitting, but, trust me, VERY COMPLEX. It comes down to realizing that doing the right thing for you, is hurting all the innocent people, also indirectly involved, and that feels as bad as not doing anything at all. You move between the rock and the hard place until you see there is no where else to go. Being a fairly loving and unselfish soul, is not the best combo for making it in this world.

Maybe the hardest part of that is that while you sit trying to figure out how to do everything and make it somehow in the best interest of everyone, you know that they are not worrying about you and your feelings one tiny bit. Not only are they not worried, they have already turned it around in their own mind to make it all your fault anyway, making it easy for them to feel better about it, even forget about it. They lose what they did behind what they feel you have done back.

You start to doubt yourself, your kind nature starts to work on your conscience and you end up apoligizing for taking it up the ass. Now you resent them and yourself.

So, this time you are determined it will be different, even though you are already in stage 4 of the 6 part pattern and you are knee deep in your own inability to change it AGAIN!!

Ugh, I might as well just call right now and take the blame for something bad being done to ME! Or will this be the time that I finally realize the only way to change the situation is to give on the dream that I will ever really matter to them? How many times does someone have to show you that you don't have any importance until you get it and accept that your hopes to have that importance are just not going to happen? Thrirty-nine and counting??? Can someone please buy me a clue??

The harsh truth that you help them hide for so many years is just not worth it anymore and why are you protecting them anyway? I have been asking myself that all night and yet, the pit of my brainwashed, pudgy belly says "don't rock the boat"'. God, they are good!

So, I know the answer, is what it comes down to, but have just not wanted to accpet that answer because it is maybe the biggest challenge of all. It is the one aspect that I have faked for so long that it is time to realize that I am not "makin it" and it is time to do the unthinkable in my own head. Get real and stop living for a dream that is never going to come true. Forgive myself and everyone else and just move the hell on, already.

If the answer is that easy, why is my heart breaking over the phone call and apology that is never going to come?

Big Brother

2006-08-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

I miss my live feeds, that for some reason, I am getting for free. I actually bought then last season when, somewhere in the middle of the show, I got way too obsessed. I promised myself that this year, I would not be so lame, so desperate for entertainment and so weird as to actually purchase them again. I happen to goggle "Big Brother 7" to just get some feed info, cause the show is so edited WRONG, and a site comes up with the live feeds in a litttle, side window. There they were in the backyard hanging out.

I read futher down and it said that you will only be able to see the feeds if you have purchased them, which I did not. Maybe they forgot to turn me off from last year, I have no idea, but there I was watching them again. The live chat and stuff doesn't work for me, but I have video and I have sound and, with the lack of anything else good on TV, I was hooked once more. In a way less obsessed way, but hooked, nonetheless.

It doesn't help that I have two other obsessees in my life. We have a little get together at least once a week to watch the show and, if not together for an airing, we call immediately following to say things that begin with "omg, could you believe..., I so hate..., and I loved when.... With my slow dial-up I can only read the update boards and am without my feeds and , geeze, it just is not the same and, damn, when did my life get so boring that this feels like so much fun??!!

Anyway, eviction tonight and new HOH competition!!!! Woohoo!!! I hope the 6ers win again and nobody better mess with Janie, Howie or MY Kaysar!! The Jedi force is strong with them....

Dear, God...... I need an intervention.......

Cause Ya Had a Bad Day......

2006-08-03T00:41:00.000-04:00

I don't know if was losing the cable this morning, the fact that I had to go outside in this heatwave, or that my family is turning into some crazy psychos that fight from morning til night, but I had a lousy day. It didn't help that I still did not get the house payment, that I made a 400 dollar error figuring out my checking balence that I discovered at the worst possible time or that I am just plain fed up with this life of mine...but damn, girl, today sucked.

It is now close to 1am and I was arguing with Cassie to come in off the front porch, get off the phone and just go to bed, already. She decided to respond loudly, as usual, which woke up Bob, who came out and escorted her in a not so nice way to her room. I yelled at Brooke, who was still up at 1230 and told she had to go to bed and with all the loud insanity that was our home today, she broke down in tears. I was not having it and told her to get to her room and then I broke down in tears, too. I felt guilty and even if I shouldn't, I still did. It didn't help that when I got over my jag and decided to lay down with her, she was asleep and the last thing she saw before that was a stressed out mommy.

I feel bad for Cassie, if for nothing else, just the stupidity she shows in not knowing when she has so crossed the line that she needs to just disappear and not further infruriate everyone. In any room, at any given time, if Cassie is there she is fighting with whoever else happens to be there and she just cannot understand that the common denominator is HER. It is hard to save someone with a knife in their hand claiming to be the victim all the time.

Travis made an insulting comment to me, within earshot of some friends down in the rec room, that hurt me to the core and it just broke my heart and made me feel bad about myself. It made me realize how completely opposite two different people can see the same exact thing. It is like having a bad conversation with someone and both of you thinking at the same time how boring the other one is and how they were not fun to hang out with at all.

Sometimes the sacrifices we make for others is more than we can afford to give up. When everyone around you is number one and you have not even made their list, feeling resentful is what tends to follow. Maybe you set it up that way without meaning to, but you hope that maybe, someday, someone sees it. Not for the recognition or the glory, but just to see that you are human too and you have feelings and you're not made of steel. And maybe they will begin to see that everything you do is out of love and, though it is never perfect, it came from a good place.

Or. Maybe. You just think too hard when things are not going your way and none of it is that big of deal. My heart has been broken a million times and I have no doubt it will be broken a million more and I am sure in the things I have said and did to the people I care about that I, too, have hurt others...but today, today it sucked and I just felt it more.

Brooke Goes to a Wedding

2006-08-01T15:40:00.000-04:00

She was highly excited about wearing a "princess dress", but then to Brooke every dress makes you princess. I know this because the scary, loud mouth, new, neighbor lady/troll came out in a housecoat and Brooke yelled, "Look, she da princess, Mommy!!!" (This was followed by the troll lady walking into her house and slamming the door).

She was the regular party girl. She danced with me at first.................

But then she found someone her own size to cut a rug with.................

When her little friend (who was not wearing a princess dress and Brooke told her about it) was tired of dancing or highly insulted, she came over to find some new partners, but not before a request to have her "pitcher" taken.

She then decided that a dancing partner was no longer necessary.

After 5 plus hours and lots of dancing, it was past her bedtime and not only was she not ready to leave, but she was this wide awake.

And she was ready to blow bubbles and have some more cookies. Getting her out was not pleasant, but we eventually got her in the car, kicking and screaming.

She went in her room, danced awhile longer and finally wore herself out and fell asleep. Even party girls need their rest.

Bitches

2006-07-31T10:13:00.000-04:00

It is time for the regular bitching post about the bitches that either sold me their house or bought mine. If I have learned anything in all this it would be that land contacts suck ass.

Our land contactee is MIA and is a week late on her payment. AGAIN. I thought after threatening her, within an inch of her life, two months ago that the problem was solved. She even paid a day early last month, but she is back to missing this month again, when the payment is due, but of course.

SIL from hell is not paying her escrow, thus making this payment appear partial and late, because I am not paying her part anymore. She is off making sure her life is as miserable and hellish as possible, which has always been a full-time job for her. She's very good at it.

Between the two of them, it is costing me an additional 250 for both, for their late fees and failure to pay. I am not doing it anymore. I may be taking back possession of the other house because I am not playing bounty hunter every month. The hours suck and the pay is out of my own pocket.

Aside from all that fun, the kids are asking when they will get new stuff for school, and "Can we go tonight??". Travis is expecting me to help him shop for a gift, I must start getting Ryan prepared to move back in at school and the temperature is way hot, way humid and way making me feel trapped indoors. Hate it!

I took Brooke to the Dairy Queen for a shake and she cried about being too hot, even though I had the car temperature at 62 degrees. It was not getting there and it was not cold enough, but tolerable to me. Then when we got inside, she wanted a blankie cause she was too cold and I was still wiping off the sweat from the 15 foot walk to the house.

The new doggie is doing a bit better, but still insists on pissing on the carpet in Cassie's room. After I evict someone, figure out how I am buying the kids new stuff, make a few threatening calls to SIL, help Travis pick out a gift,wash and pack all of Ryan's stuff, get caught up on the mess around here, bitch about all of it and solve the Middle East crisis, I plan on working on that problem.

One thing at time.

Mini Mes and Missing Children.

2006-07-26T14:28:00.000-04:00

I remember when Cassie was younger and wanted to do a lot of the stuff I did. I worked full-time then, at the hospital, and she did not have the opportunity to be stuck to my hip on a never-ending basis as Brooke does now. Maybe that is why it was less severe.

Brooke is out of control on the mini me stuff and I realized this in the bathroom as I was trying to shave my legs. She HAD to get in too, but I needed the room to shave. I tried over and over to tell her that when I was finished, she could get in and play,but noooooooooooo. She had to get in NOW, cause Mommy was in there.

Then, as I reached for my towel to get out, thinking she would want to stay in and play with all the damn toys floating in there since her arrival, but she had to, also, get out now. She reached for her towel and was studying my every move. As I dried off my arms, she did too, then legs, she did too, then wrapped my hair in a towel, she tried to, as well. When she couldn't get the hair wrap down, she freaked out and I had to try to wrap it around her tiny little head. It would not stay in place causing her to wig out each time it fell off, so I had to take mine off prematurely, so she would just forget about having the towel on her head, already!

Bob made her food when he was home for lunch and she ate all of her's and part of his. But, when I came in to get something to eat twenty minutes later, she had to have what I was having and had to make it too. It is like some crazy syncronized dance she does with me all day long.

If this is the highest form of flattery, I wish to be not get any. At all. Ever.

I find it interesting, especially since I was a single mom when my boys were 18 months and 3 years of age, and prior to that, they were with me only, most of the time, because my first husband worked two jobs. I'm thankful that they did not want to apply make-up and get their nails painted, but being around mostly females, it is pretty cool that they got that they were not supposed to do these things. They spent much of their time chasing each other around, knocking over everything in the house and giggling constantly.

After being up all night looking for a missing Cassie, that decided she should go out at 2am and look for our lost dog, while Bob and I circled our town for hours looking for her, losing any precious sleep that we both needed. And, after being followed around 16 hours a day by a 3 year old that must do as I do...I have come to the conclusion, that I sort of already knew, that BOYS ARE SO MUCH EASIER!! With extra emphasis on the SO MUCH part!

Incidentally, Cassie found the dog, which still freaks me out. It ran away at 1pm and by midnight, we had all decided we would never see it again, being that we only had it for a week and a half, it may never remember how to get back home. Stranger even, was that she found it by our old house on the north side of town and, even stranger than that, she was roaming on the opposite side of town looking for it in the middle of the freakin' night!

When she returned with the dog at 545 am, she came in all excited about finding it, as we were now keeping watch at both doors because the police were now on the case of searching for our missing daughter. When we went ape shit that she was gone for 3 hours plus in the middle of the night, she was all, "Why, is that bad? I found the dog, GEEZEEEEE". She is still confused by the three month grounding and the long lectures we keep giving her....she totally doesn't get it.

Yup, give me a son to raise any day.